Jay Shetty & Sabrina Zohar ON Stop Ignoring the Signs

Have you ever found yourself obsessively checking your phone for a text that never comes, wondering if your latest spark is actually chemistry or just a familiar form of chaos?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty welcomed Sabrina Zohar, creator, podcast host, and dating coach. She is known for her "no-BS" approach and has built a career helping people navigate romantic relationships by focusing on self-worth, boundaries, and intentionality. She discussed with Jay Shetty the psychological foundation of why we chase unavailable partners and how our nervous systems dictate our romantic choices.

How to Recognize Genuine Interest

"They love me, they love me not" is a common game played by plucking one flower petal at a time; the final petal will supposedly tell you if your crush loves you back. Zohar told Jay Shetty that instead of ruminating and procrastinating, we should understand that effort equals interest.

However, the digital made it more difficult to differentiate between substantial and superficial effort. Zohar told Jay Shetty that people often mistake frequent texting for genuine connection because it gives us a dopamine hit and makes us feel good. However, true interest is based on the principles of reciprocity, intentionality, and consistency.

Everyone has a different communication style, but you can tell if a relationship is bound to work if it progresses. Instead of searching for tricks or hidden signs, Sabrina Zohar asserted that the most effective way to gauge interest is through open, honest conversation about intentions.

Chasing the Familiar Hurt

While love is calm, many people still chase uninterested or elusive partners because they may feel that love must be earned. With this mindset, the more we need to chase a partner, the more attractive they become. Zohar used the Freudian term "repetition compulsion" to describe this behavior; she explained to Jay Shetty that we are unconsciously drawn to dating the parts of ourselves that haven't been healed.

Sabrina Zohar opened up about her upbringing in a chaotic household dominated by a narcissistic father. Growing up without safety or a consistent presence, her brain learned to perceive chaos as safe because it was familiar. She added that intellectualizing (asking why someone doesn't like us) is often a defense mechanism to avoid feeling the pain of the situation.

When you find yourself spiraling or chasing love, Zohar recommends identifying your own emotions. She explained to Jay Shetty that we often act as wounded kids seeking the validation we didn't get in childhood. However, by chasing unattainable people, we reaffirm our core belief that we aren't enough, rather than proving ourselves wrong.

Your Mental State Influences Your Strategy

Sabrina Zohar shared with Jay Shetty that your state determines your story, which then determines your strategy, a framework she learned from neuroscientist Dr. Chris Lee. This means that the physical state of your nervous system dictates the narrative you create about a dating situation, which then drives your behavior.

If your nervous system is dysregulated or anxious, your state is one of fear. This creates a story in your mind, making you believe that you're not safe, they're going to leave you, or that you aren't good enough. Consequently, your strategy becomes one of desperation, leading you to act erratically, like texting more to make them like you, or self-abandoning, just to keep the other person close.

Zohar explained that you must expand your window of tolerance to break this cycle. She recommends learning to sit in discomfort without reacting impulsively, thereby allowing yourself to stay in a regulated state even in the face of uncertainty.

What a Secure Relationship Should Feel Like

Sabrina Zohar asserted that, when dating someone new, you must pay attention to how they describe their past relationship. If they claim their exes were crazy, that shows a lack of accountability, empathy, and growth-mindedness, and it's very likely they're unwilling to become the best version of themselves you need.

It's common to equate butterflies in your stomach with a new love or chemistry, yet Zohar disagrees. She told Jay Shetty that it's rather a sign of a dysregulated nervous system, warning you that something is off. This feeling often triggers people to tolerate poor treatment because they are enthralled by the other person's physical attractiveness or charm.

Yet, secure relationships are less exciting and lack the highs and lows that come with a constant need for reinforcement, when communication is validated rather than argued, and there is no need to constantly prove your worth.

Too Much Too Soon

Jay Shetty and Sabrina Zohar discussed the initial intensity of relationships, in which a partner is consistently intense for over a month, only to suddenly pull away later on. She warns that many people throw themselves 100% into a new connection until the novelty wears off, and only then do they realize that they haven't really assessed the other person's character.

In Zohar's opinion, relationships should start slower, without playing any mind games. Instead, she recommends maintaining your own life and not rushing through the phases of a relationship. She explained to Jay Shetty that you mustn't make yourself too available too soon, because it signals that you have nothing else going on in your life. When someone comes into your life as an addition rather than taking precedence, they must earn their place. If your partner pulls away after a period of high intensity, try to look at the facts, rather than taking their reaction personally.

Hurt Inner Child

Sabrina Zohar admitted that her childhood trauma influenced her adult dating patterns. She remembers her father promising not to be angry if she opened her door, only for him to punch her when she did. This interaction taught her that speaking up was dangerous, and it stayed with her long into adulthood.

It's paramount to reparent our inner child, Zohar told Jay Shetty. When we feel anxious or ignored in dating, it's often the child within feeling abandoned. Whenever she feels that way, Zohar closes her eyes, puts a hand on her belly, and tells her little self that she is safe now and that the adult version of her has her back. While we can't change the past, we can actively choose to protect ourselves now, refusing to let anyone hurt that inner child again.

Love Yourself First

Dating apps have become saturated, and people have grown tired of the modern romance landscape. Zohar explains to Jay Shetty that fatigue comes from putting too much pressure on every match to be the one that will fix our lives. If you're anxiously looking for an external solution, you're likely to hold on to the wrong people to avoid being alone.

Many people are also tired because they haven't learned to grieve the ending of short-term connections. Additionally, modern dating apps are addictive and influence your brain, similarly to slot machines, Zohar told Jay Shetty. Constant texting creates an artificial high that drains our neurotransmitters and leaves us in a hot-mess state if we don't get an answer right away. To counter the pitfalls of the modern dating strategies, Zohar recommends living a fulfilling life now, so that a partner becomes a complement to an already positive situation rather than a desperate necessity.

Self-advocacy is a crucial yet overlooked skill in dating. It's important to set boundaries and understand that the intention behind it is not to exclude others, but rather to teach them how to remain in your life. If you've never established any boundaries, the ones who will push back are likely the ones who benefited from you not having any in the first place. She advises the audience to set limits and stand up for their thoughts, values, and beliefs because they are essential to building a genuine foundation of trust.

Spotting Emotional Unavailability

Sabrina Zohar describes emotionally unavailable people as those who keep conversations shallow and shy away from commitment. Jay Shetty agrees, noting how frustrating it feels when someone has the potential to be deep, yet lacks the capacity.

Zohar added that "you can't love someone into change, you can only love them as they change." She explained to Jay Shetty that emotional unavailability often means people can meet you only as deeply as they met themselves. If they view vulnerability as scary, they cannot hold space for your emotions. In Zohar's opinion, one should refrain from betting on potential and instead see them for who they are. Growth-minded people, willing to go to therapy, may be able to change for the better; however, if they aren't, Zohar suggests going away to protect your peace.

Deconstructing Dating Myths

Jay Shetty asked Sabrina Zohar to agree or disagree with common dating myths:

1. "If he wanted to, he would": According to Zohar, "want" and "do" are different parts of the brain, and seeing everything in black and white is too myopic a way of seeing the world.

2. "Right person, wrong time": Zohar doesn't believe in this concept. She argues that what makes someone right is being in your life at the right time. Clinging to one person only because the time isn't right will keep you from seeing new doors open.

3. "You'll meet someone when you stop looking": Zohar agrees, adding that it's not about stopping the search, but about letting go of control and surrendering the pressure.

4. "Relationships should be effortless": Zohar strongly disagrees with this idea. While they shouldn't be a constant fight, anything worthwhile (like a business or a healthy partnership) requires work, investment, and hard conversations.

5. "The Spark": Sabrina Zohar and Jay Shetty agree that a spark or butterflies in the stomach are signs of a dysregulated nervous system. Instead of chasing this feeling, she recommends seeking interest and intrigue.

Healing isn't about never feeling anxious again, Zohar explained. Rather, it's about expanding your capacity to handle those feelings and choosing to come back home to yourself. She told Jay Shetty that the goal is to stop painting the future with the colors of the past, and, instead, wash the paintbrush and create something entirely new.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Dating Expert Sabrina Zohar: You’re Not Confused, You’re Ignoring the Signs (THIS Mindset Shift Will End the “What If” Loop for Good)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

Disclaimer: This episode reflects Sabrina Zohar’s personal experiences and perspectives. It is not medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. Any references to health, diet, or lifestyle practices are her individual choices and may not be suitable for everyone. Results and experiences vary. Always consult a qualified professional before making changes to your health, wellness, or personal care routines.