Jay Shetty & Jillian Turecki ON 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes

Have you ever thought about why many people jump into relationships and end up feeling unfulfilled or misunderstood?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty welcomes relationship coach and author Jillian Turecki to explore the real reasons we choose our partners, the mistakes we make while dating, and how our past affects our search for love. With over 20 years of experience, Turecki shares her tips on finding the right partner, boosting self-awareness, and fostering healthy communication.

The Foundation of Conscious Relationships

Jay Shetty and Jillian Turecki discuss how many of our relationship struggles are rooted in misconceptions learned early in life. The relationship coach believes that we can only find genuine connection if we are willing to do an honest introspection; her philosophy revolves around the idea that we frequently seek external validation instead of looking deep down inside ourselves first.

However, instead of beating yourself up, Jay Shetty and Jillian Turecki suggest being more compassionate with yourself and acknowledging that we are all work in progress. The relationship coach explains that the best starting point for change is to honor where you are right now—whether single, dating, or in a long-term partnership—and to make a deliberate effort to be aware of how you show up in love. This is the foundation of a conscious relationship.

The Three Big Dating Mistakes

Jillian Turecki shares with Jay Shetty the top three mistakes people make in dating today:

1. Relying Solely on Apps

The relationship coach believes that spending too much time on the phone can shorten our attention span and ability to interact in person. So, she suggests looking for a partner in real-life social settings, like engaging in new hobbies, attending events, or talking to new people. This way, your circle widens and the likelihood of finding more authentic connections increases.

2. Lack of Patience

In a world where instant gratification is widespread, it is easy to have high expectations of others. Many desire instant fireworks but forget that building a strong, genuine connection takes time and effort. Turecki told Jay Shetty that the cycle of constantly having high expectations followed by disappointment can lead to feeling hopeless. You need to bear in mind that not all interactions will lead to a romantic connection, but with each date you go on, you get to hone your social skills, such as empathy, active listening, and building genuine interest in the other person.

3. Inflated Expectations

Sometimes, it's not the absence of chemistry that stops us from going further in a relationship, but rather the over-idealized view of romance we created in our own minds. Jillian Turecki advises the listeners to go on a date or in-person meeting soon after meeting someone online, because lengthy message exchanges could create a false narrative based on only some short messages. If you get to meet the person, you can pick up even more information about them and decide if your values align, if they are worthy of your time, or if you should simply move on.

Overcoming the Fear of Rejection

Jay Shetty notes that many fear hearing or having to say "no" to someone, and this heightened anxiety often leads to postponing meeting up in real life or canceling dates last-minute. Turecki explains that this fear or rejection accentuates our insecurities - if someone rejects you as a potential partner, you may start catastrophizing and thinking that you'll never find love.

The relationship coach suggests looking at dating from a positive lens, by understanding that rejection is part of the process, not a reflection of your worth. Also, by declining the wrong candidate, you will be more available to meet the right person when they come along. So, rather than trying to avoid rejection at all costs, it's worthwhile to embrace it with self-compassion and perspective. Remain playful and curious.

Slowing Down Love and Managing Expectations

Jay Shetty and Jillian Turecki discuss today's mentality of quick fixes, which people tend to apply to relationships, too. They hope to find love instantly and rush into relationships, sometimes even ignoring red flags or value mismatching. The more time you spend in such a relationship, the more difficult it is to exit it.

So, the relationship coach suggests shifting the idea of a soulmate to believe there is no one who can single-handedly solve all of your problems. She explains to Jay Shetty that love is built over time and involves daily choices like showing up, staying committed, and being willing to work through challenges. A happy, lasting relationship doesn't magically happen. It takes dedicated effort from both partners.

Turecki suggests three steps you can take to slow things down:

1. Limit projections - don't assume they are perfect based only on superficial conversations or physical appearance.
   
   
2. Focus on character - try to see beyond the initial chemistry and discover if you are compatible on a deeper level, like communication style, emotional availability, long-term goals, etc.
   
   
3. Stay grounded - manage your daily anxiety by journaling or practicing gratitude, to keep yourself from making impulsive decisions.

Attracted to Unavailable Partners

Jillian Turecki told Jay Shetty that the tendency to be attracted to unavailable partners while rejecting those who reciprocate our feelings stems from our early childhood experiences. If we've become used to earning affection from emotionally distant figures, we unconsciously repeat this dynamic.

The relationship coach explains to Jay Shetty that this harmful narrative undermines your self-worth. You may find yourself in relationships where you need to earn your love, a dynamic that is harmful, yet familiar from your past. Turecki advises that the only way to break this cycle is by examining your belief systems, raising your personal standards, and recognizing that it is a sign of mutual respect to have a partner who values you for who you are.

Building Self-Esteem and Self-Awareness

In her book It Begins with You, Jillian Turecki guides readers through nine hard truths about love, from acknowledging that you are the only person who can start your journey up to making peace with your parents. When it comes to building a strong relationship, she explains to Jay Shetty that it takes two people who take full responsibility for their emotional health; you can't understand others unless you understand yourself first.

The relationship coach explains that self-esteem comes from recognizing both your strengths and weaknesses without allowing any one factor to entirely define you. If you've been hurt in the past, healing needs time, introspection, and often professional guidance. You can create deep intimacy with your partner when you allow them to know your dreams, your fears, and your wounds.

However, Turecki warns that being authentic doesn't mean oversharing or dumping all the information on someone from the very beginning. Instead, build trust gradually, and reveal parts of yourself at a comfortable pace for you, and make sure that each step you take is based on mutual respect.

Telling the Truth and Strengthening Communication

Jillian Turecki shares with Jay Shetty that "telling the truth" in a relationship involves not only the information you share, but also the timing. She explains that oversharing some things too early can strain a new relationship, while withholding information for too long will eventually breed distrust and distance between partners.

According to the relationship coach, knowing what to say and when is part of our emotional intelligence. She explains to Jay Shetty that willingly keeping your feelings to yourself for fear of your partner's reaction is a sign that you need to reassess your relationship. Do you fear that you will push them away by being honest, which means that your values may not align, or is it a deeper insecurity that prevents you from opening up to them?

Jay Shetty and Jillian Turecki believe that telling the truth is an act of service to the love you share. Often, conflict arising from honest dialogue can be much healthier than one started from silence and resentment. You can only resolve misunderstandings by having tough conversations.

Maintenance and Accountability in a Relationship

People spend a lot of energy at the beginning of a relationship or the end of it. However, Jay Shetty draws attention to the maintenance phase, which is often overlooked. He and the relationship coach discuss how this phase (where real life unfolds) is often disregarded. It is about ongoing care, such as regular check-ins, shared activities, and open dialogues about emotional needs.

If you feel disconnected from your long-term partner, Turecki suggests introducing novelty, such as exploring new hobbies together or pursuing personal interests that reignite individual passions. She also recommends reevaluating touch points: things like cuddling, unexpected hugs, or a reassuring hand on the shoulder. The relationship coach explains to Jay Shetty that physical closeness can be a strong antidote to relational complacency.

Moreover, it is crucial to take accountability for your actions. Instead of wishing only for your partner to change, you should remember that it takes two people to have a relationship. Turecki urges the listeners to ask themselves, "How am I contributing to the relationship's current state?"

Learning from Failed Relationships

When a relationship ends, the initial shock can be so intense that it feels impossible to think clearly. Jay Shetty and Jillian Turecki advise first allowing yourself to grieve the relationship you just lost. Take your time, and once you feel better, you can move on to introspection.

It is essential to reflect on how both partners contributed to the breakup, not to place the blame solely on the other person. Turecki wants the listeners to think both about their strengths and challenges during the relationship and carry that lesson forward into future partnerships. She highlights to Jay Shetty the importance of remaining open to the possibility of love, regardless of how painful or disappointing previous experiences have been. 

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “Jillian Turecki ON 3 Biggest Dating Mistakes You’re Making (Stop Chasing Love That’s Not for You)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.