Jay Shetty & Dr. Orna Guralnik ON How to Communicate With Your Partner

What if the biggest issues in your relationship aren’t what you think they are?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty welcomed Dr. Orna Guralnik, a clinical psychologist and couples therapist, renowned for her role on the documentary series Couples Therapy. They discuss the deeper dynamics of love, conflict, and healing in long-term relationships.

Otherness Rather Than Poor Communication

When couples first seek therapy, their complaints are often similar, Dr. Guralnik noted. They claim to have a communication issue, but that is rarely the case, she told Jay Shetty. Usually, the way we communicate with our partner only reflects deeper wounds or conflicts; it doesn't trigger them.

Dr. Guralnik believes that a common struggle for couples is to navigate each other's "otherness." The more time you spend with your partner, the more you experience their way of operating, and it may make you feel uncomfortable to discover how differently you approach things.

The difference can be exciting and a source of growth, but it's also deeply uncomfortable. We want our partners to validate our methods and approaches. When they don't, we often take it as a rejection or a form of disrespect. And this often leads to conflicts.

Jay Shetty shared how he and Radhi have different approaches when hosting. While he prefers relaxing with guests after dinner, his wife needs to clean up immediately. These are learned behaviors from their upbringing, and not a sign of disrespect to each other. But they, too, had to sit down and go to the root of the matter and understand where the other one comes from.

Compromise vs. Co-Creation

Dr. Orna Guralnik challenges the common idea of reaching a compromise to maintain peace within the relationship. She warns that the very notion of compromise makes people feel like they lost something; it's a transactional exchange where both parties lose something, to meet in the middle.

Instead, Dr. Guralnik told Jay Shetty that we should seek to co-create solutions. Here, unlike with compromise, the goal isn't to sacrifice, but to build. Together, you can put the foundations of something smarter and more meaningful for both partners. It allows you to walk away from the 'being right' mentality and invest in what's best for your relationship, in particular.

You must remain humble throughout the process, Dr. Guralnik warns. Let go of the need to win arguments and create a space where you can both feel heard and respected. This is the foundation on which you can start to co-create your life together.

The Guilt Attached to Change

According to Jay Shetty, letting go of our need to be right often feels like betraying the people who raised us. It's not uncommon for some to feel guilty towards their family of origin when their partner does things differently than they do. Sometimes, it may even feel like rejecting their upbringing, traditions, or culture.

Coming back to the idea of otherness, Dr. Guralnik reiterated the struggle to accept a different way of doing things, as it feels like your partner is challenging your core identity. Yet the true question you must ask yourself in that moment is: "Can I accept the other person's values without devaluing my own?"

This dynamic becomes particularly intense during family-related disagreements. When one partner expresses discomfort around their in-laws, the partner may take it as a personal attack rather than trying to understand the root cause. 

Dr. Guralnik told Jay Shetty that it’s essential in such moments to keep your composure and try to see their point of view. Don’t rush into an argument, and don’t try to find an immediate solution. Sit with the new information and process it first.

From Blame to Self-Inquiry

One of the most destructive habits in relationships is blaming the other for all your problems or shortcomings. Dr. Orna Guralnik explained to Jay Shetty that blame is the defense against vulnerability.

Instead of focusing on what the other person is doing wrong, she encourages partners to turn inward and ask themselves why they feel triggered. In many cases, you’d find out it’s a past wound that influences your reaction rather than your partner’s current actions.

It’s essential to be able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, to also understand what they go through when dealing with your different ways of doing things. Looking at them through a lens of generosity and curiosity is powerful, and it can benefit your relationship greatly.

Waiting for Change

Similarly, waiting for a partner to change is likely to leave you disappointed by the end of the day. You may feel that you’ve done everything, and they still refuse to grow. You invested your time and energy, were patient, compassionate, and supportive, yet the result of your alleged hard work is still not showing. Dr. Orna Guralnik explains to Jay Shetty that the reason for that is that your expectations from the relationship are too transactional. You give in order to receive.

If you’re expecting your partner to change so that you can love the future version of them, you are missing your present together. Seeking growth is natural and healthy, but don’t force it. Allow your partner to grow at their own pace and, in the meantime, learn to love who they are in this very moment.

Of course, Dr. Guralnik explains that accepting your partner as they present themselves now doesn’t have to come at the expense of your well-being. If your acceptance turns into self-neglect, the relationship is bound to fail. There should be reciprocity in a relationship, she told Jay Shetty, and if the other party is unwilling to invest in the relationship, it may be worth assessing your future actions and where to direct your efforts.

Designing a Relationship Like a Home

Jay Shetty and Dr. Orna Guralnik agree that a couple is designing their relationship like a home. When you move in together, you decide what each of you brings into the new living space, you also bring your personality into the relationship. A healthy relationship isn’t about replicating your previous life and copying and pasting it onto the next one; it’s a dance of finding what works for both partners and creating something new that belongs only to you.

Dr. Guralnik warns that people often unconsciously replicate old relationships with new people, heavily influenced by their upbringing and family of origin. She explained to Jay Shetty that, without realizing it, you start arguing about kids, finances, or roles in the home, because you feel like they have to reflect what you saw as a child.

We now know more about how childhood influences us throughout our lives. How our caregivers look at us can shape our capacity for love. Whether their eyes lit up when they saw us or if they often met us with criticism, shame, or disinterest will stay with us for a very long time. This is why recognizing the emotional imprint of early experiences helps us understand why we seek certain kinds of validation, or why we struggle to open up.

Sex, Intimacy, and the Desire to Be Desired

Everyone wants to feel desired. When it comes to intimacy, Dr. Orna Gurlanik explained to Jay Shetty that desire matters most, not the frequency, as often speculated. For those in a long-term relationship, sex becomes less about performance over time. Instead, it focuses more on connection, identity, and the ability to be vulnerable together.

She asserts that men don’t want more sex than women. It’s different for each individual. What we sometimes confuse is the desire for physical connection and the need for affection, which sometimes gets misinterpreted. To ensure you meet both partners' needs, Dr. Guralnik suggests communicating openly and honestly with each other about your wants, needs, and expectations. If you fail to do so, you may eventually be met with rejection, because the other person won’t understand the reasons behind your behavior.

Understanding the Root of the Conflict

One topic of conflict for many couples is money. Yet Dr. Guralnik warns that financial disputes are almost never about the money itself; the reason is often hidden behind multiple layers. She told Jay Shetty the deeper reasons include power, fairness, and identity. When one partner earns more or contributes equally, they may start dividing up their belongings, and at the same time, their roles within the relationship. Dr. Guralnik encourages couples to discuss their financial ideologies more in-depth, not just who pays for what and when.

Similarly, labelling someone a narcissist doesn’t always paint the correct picture. Dr. Orna Guralnik warns that using modern terms like gaslighting, love bombing, and narcissism may backfire. It’s important to validate emotional experiences. Yet it’s even more so important to assess what’s truly happening between the partners – do you only have insecurities that your current relationship is bringing up and you find it hard to deal with, or is it indeed a toxic relationship that you need to exit? She asserts that emotional vocabulary is useful, but only when paired with deeper self-inquiry.

What Makes a Relationship Truly Healthy?

According to Dr. Orna Guralnik, a healthy relationship is not one without fights or long-lasting. She explained to Jay Shetty that it’s about mutual respect, freedom to change, and the willingness to face differences together.

A healthy relationship will evolve and will involve accepting that you will both grow. So, it’s not about locking someone into the version of themselves they were on their wedding day. It’s about holding each other’s hands along the way, as you become two different versions of yourselves. 

Be there for your partner, but don’t entirely rely on them. Nurture your friendships and community, so you can also become your own person, not just one half of the relationship.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Dr. Orna Gurlanik: Struggling to Communicate With Your Partner? THIS One Habit Could Slowly Be Destroying Your Relationship! (Here’s How to Catch It Before It’s Too Late!)xf” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.