In this episode of the On Purpose podcast, Jay Shetty begins by thanking his listeners for supporting his new book, Eight Rules of Love.
The free audiobook introduction is also available on his website and major online retailers. Eight Rules of Love is for anyone looking to find, keep, or let go of love, making it an ideal resource for anyone struggling in their relationships.
Jay discussed the challenges of dating and relationships. For example, many people struggle to recognize red flags in their relationships because they're insecure or afraid of being alone. Therefore, he encourages the audience to develop the skill of distinguishing between extreme red flags and minor issues.
Moreover, he shares research showing that the brain experiences similar activity when in love as when using cocaine.1 The brain's reward and motivation circuitry triggers a desire to retrieve what's missing. After a breakup, the brain experiences the same pain as it would from physical injury. As a result, the sensation of heartbreak can intensify, leading to a flood of emotions that can prompt irrational behavior.
Saying "I Love You" Too Soon
The first red flag in a relationship is when someone says "I love you" too soon. It is essential to slow down and be thoughtful about what love means. We all want a space to feel accepted for our authentic, aligned selves. This means someone must have seen us at our worst: stressed, tired, irritated, and exhausted.
Studies show that men are quicker to say "I love you" than women, taking an average of 88 days, while women take an average of 134 days.2 This is why women often report being love-bombed or feeling pressured to say "I love you" too soon. However, not all men who say "I love you" early on are love-bombing or insincere.
If someone says I love you too soon, it's important not to feel pressured to say it back. Instead, when someone says it to you, you can ask them what they mean by it. This isn't confrontational or intimidating but a genuine attempt to understand their feelings. Slowing down, being thoughtful, and defining what love means to you are vital. Long-term love is based on character, not just chemistry, and requires accepting each other for who we are. "Liking is based on chemistry; loving is based on character," Jay Shetty explained.
Pressure to Have Sex
A statistic showed that 52 percent of women who are abused feel pressured to have sex by someone who love-bombed them.3 Jay Shetty notes that this statistic is challenging, highlighting how sex can distort our perception of love.
One of the critical reasons sex can be so distracting is the hormone oxytocin. According to neuroscientist and psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen, Oxytocin relates to feelings of love. Its release can support and even accelerate bonding and trust.
However, sex causes men's oxytocin levels to spike more than 500 percent. This is because Oxytocin acts like a volume dial, turning up and amplifying brain activity related to something someone is already experiencing. So, "During and after sex, we feel more in love. But it's not actually love. We feel closer chemically, even though we're not closer emotionally," Jay Shetty said.
He added, "Oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment. You keep thinking it will be okay because the hormone makes you feel safe and secure. You don't see the red flags the person is sending."
The hormone temporarily blocks negative memories, so even if there were red flags or warning signs in the relationship beforehand, they might fade after sex. If you have sex, you may have more positive feelings about the person and forget the warning signs. However, this is not the time to make significant decisions about the relationship, and it's essential to take the time to reflect and consider the other person's behavior and trustworthiness.
Jay Shetty urged listeners to be reflective and thoughtful about their decisions around sex and relationships. Be aware of how sex can distort your perception of love and connection. Take the time to consider the other person's behavior and trustworthiness before making significant decisions. Moreover, he encourages everyone to prioritize their emotional and physical safety in all relationships.
Discussing Marriage and Kids Too Soon
Jay Shetty emphasizes the importance of being aware of certain behaviors and tendencies regarding relationships. One of these behaviors is moving in too quickly and discussing marriage and kids too early on in the relationship.
While this may seem exciting at first, it can lead to problems down the road. According to a study by Schane and Co., 25 percent of women need therapy after experiencing love bombing. Love bombing is when someone showers affection and attention to make you believe you are unique and lure you into a relationship with them. This can be dangerous because it can cause you to overlook important red flags and warning signs.
Jay Shetty shares a couple of stories to illustrate the dangers of love bombing. One account is about Caitlin Riley, who met a doctor while seeking medical treatment after being hit in the face with a soccer ball. Although she fainted when trying to ask him out, she still considered him the man of her dreams. This shows how easy it is to become infatuated with someone who shows us kindness during times of stress or vulnerability.
Another story is about Tasha and Andrew, who met at a healing workshop and quickly fell in love. They moved in together, got married, and had a baby. Soon after, Tasha began to suffer from depression and questioned her relationship with Andrew. Again, this exemplifies how high emotional stress can cause us to overlook warning signs in a relationship.
Jay Shetty believes that being in a good place emotionally before entering a relationship is crucial. This means being aware of our needs and desires and ensuring we are not turning to someone out of weakness rather than a position of strength. Being in a good place emotionally also means spotting warning signs earlier in the relationship.
In conclusion, Jay Shetty advises against moving in too quickly and discussing marriage and kids too early on in a relationship. By being aware of these behaviors and tendencies, we can avoid making mistakes and ensure we make wise choices regarding relationships.
Jay Shetty discusses the fourth warning sign of a toxic relationship: gaslighting. He recommends the audience learn more about it by listening to his episode with Dr. Ramani.
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic abusive partners use to isolate their partner, undermine their confidence, and make them easier to control. This can be done by making the victim feel irrational and weak until they start to believe it themselves.
Jay Shetty emphasizes that gaslighting comes from the other person's insecurity and challenges, which can leave the victim with their own insecurities and challenges.
Discouragement of Your Passions and Dreams
Furthermore, Jay Shetty discusses the importance of being with someone who supports your dreams and passions rather than someone who encourages you to give them up. He notes it's essential to have a partner who is a source of support rather than one who doubts your goals and ambitions.
Jay points out that reflecting on whether someone tells you what to think or how to think is essential. If someone is helping you learn how to think, that is a positive thing. But if someone is telling you what to think, that is not healthy for a relationship.
Jay Shetty references a 2019 article from The Atlantic that explores what it means to be ready for a relationship.4 The article notes that "ready for a relationship" is difficult to define but has become more prevalent recently. For example, people used to get married to grow up, settle down, and learn how to handle relationships. But nowadays, younger people are more likely to want to embark on a relationship when they feel they've checked off some of their individual goals.
"If you're looking for perfection, it's going to be impossible. And if that person is looking for perfection, it's impossible. But if you're looking for someone who's on the path of self-work and growth, that's a healthy thing to look for."
Jay Shetty highlights the importance of compassion and empathy in a relationship. It is essential to understand that someone who is a work in progress and actively working on themselves is a healthy partner. Therefore, it is unrealistic to expect perfection from a partner.
Talk about Their Ex
Lastly, Jay Shetty shared his thoughts on exes and relationships. A survey conducted by Your Tango found that a large percentage of people, both single and married, still think about their exes.5 For single respondents, this number was even higher at 81 percent. Jay emphasized that while having exes is normal, fixating on them can prevent people from moving on and cause problems in future relationships.
He also highlighted that many people still search for their exes online, with 70 percent of guys and 76 percent of girls admitting to doing so. Additionally, 86 percent of survey respondents said they still look at photos of their exes. While being friends with an ex may seem harmless, a study by researchers from the University of Connecticut shed a different light on this topic.6 The researchers found that people who were friends with their exes tended to have more romantic desires and negative feelings toward them than towards opposite-sex friends they had never dated.
While it's normal to have an ex and talk about them occasionally, fixating on them or constantly bringing them up in conversation can cause challenges in a relationship, Jay Shetty warned listeners. If you're worried or anxious about your partner being friends with their ex, it's important not to pass it off as cool or easy.
A Match Singles of America survey found that 50 percent of men and 42 percent of women said they'd stay friends with an ex, but the research suggests it can be complicated.7 Jay Shetty believes that while having exes is normal, fixating on them can prevent people from moving on and cause problems in future relationships.
Outlook On Love
Jay Shetty acknowledges that the topic discussed is significant. Therefore, he invites the audience to check out his new book, Eight Rules of Love, available at eightrulesoflove.com, for more in-depth insights into love-related topics.
More From Jay Shetty
Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “6 Red Flags to Avoid in Relationshops and How to Spot Them Early” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.
1Ortigue S, Bianchi-Demicheli F, Patel N, Frum C, Lewis JW. Neuroimaging of love: fMRI meta-analysis evidence toward new perspectives in sexual medicine. J Sex Med. 2010 Nov;7(11):3541-52. doi: 10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.01999.x. Epub 2010 Aug 30. PMID: 20807326.
2Watkins, Christopher & Bovet, Jeanne & Fernandez, Ana & Leongómez, Juan & Zelazniewicz, Agnieszka & Varella, Marco & Wagstaff, Danielle. (2022). Men say "I love you" before women do: Robust across several countries. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 39. 026540752210752. 10.1177/02654075221075264.
3Shane Co. (2022). Love Bombing Survey. The Loupe. https://www.shaneco.com/theloupe/jewelry-education/love-relationships/love-bombing-survey/
4 Fetters, A. (2019, August 9). The Evolutions of the Desire to Stay Friends With Your Ex. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/08/why-do-people-want-stay-friends-after-breakup/596170/
5YourTango (2017, July 31). 5 Shocking Statistics Reveal That We Pretty Much Suck At Breakups . YourTango
6Schneider, C. S., & Kenny, D. A. (2000). Cross-Sex Friends Who were Once Romantic Partners: Are they Platonic Friends Now? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 17(3), 451–466. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407500173007
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