Jay Shetty & Sadia Khan ON Stop Ignoring the Red Flags

Why do we fall for people who hurt us? Why are so many of us attracted to people who leave us anxious, uncertain, and unloved?

In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty welcomes Sadia Khan, a psychologist and relationship expert known for her viral insights on dating psychology. During this conversation, she shares her brutally honest and unconventional perspective on love, attraction, infidelity, self-esteem, and commitment.

Fear of Conflict and Relationship Struggles

Sadia Khan explains to Jay Shetty that one of the core issues people face in relationships is an intense fear of conflict. The fear often stems from an even deeper fear of walking away, especially when being mistreated. According to the psychologist, knowing when to walk away when disrespected is not only empowering, but it also improves the quality of the relationship. By implementing this dynamic, both partners learn to treat each other with greater respect, recognizing that each has standards to uphold.

Khan clarifies to Jay Shetty that her teachings focus on developing self-esteem strong enough to attract healthier relationships. When people stop tolerating disrespect and emotional chaos, they start choosing better partners and sustain more emotionally stable connections. The ability to walk away provides you with leverage in love. It's not about threats—it’s about healthy boundaries.

Why the Wrong People?

Sadia Khan discusses with Jay Shetty the myth of attracting the wrong people. In her view, nobody attracts only one kind of partner, but they do entertain a specific type. When you suffer from low self-esteem, you often find yourself drawn to those who are emotionally unavailable, and start normalizing dismissive behaviors like inconsistent texting or seeking contact only late at night.

The psychologist explains to Jay Shetty that these normalized behaviors stem from self-fulfilling prophecies, which are deep-rooted beliefs about what you deserve in love. When you become aware of these internal narratives, you can stop accepting emotional leftovers and begin to cultivate healthier connections. In the end, it's not about chasing emotionally available people, but about ending patterns that do you more harm than good.

Often, low self-esteem makes people crave what feels out of reach. When someone is emotionally distant, we often confuse their unavailability for strength or desirability, and fail to recognize that it might simply be a sign of emotional immaturity or a lack of emotional intelligence. Therefore, it is important to recognize these behaviors for what they are—red flags. Once you become aware of this, you can begin detaching from toxic relationships and make space for healthier, more mutual connections.

The Illusion of Settling

Sadia Khan and Jay Shetty discuss the disillusionment many people feel using dating apps. She explains that modern rejections don't relate to the person anymore; when you reject a potential match, it's mainly because their profile doesn't seem up to societal expectations and standards. If you keep basing your preferences on what social media tells you is desirable, you may end up alone.

So, Khan encourages the listeners to look inward and be honest with themselves about the reasons behind accepting or rejecting a potential partner. Instead, she suggests looking first at those who chose you first and see if you want to engage with them. When someone has a high level of self-esteem, they are more inclined to be attracted to those who show interest.

Another topic common in today's dating scene is the idea of settling. Yet it often arises from our constant efforts to find someone that society will accept. The psychologist explains to Jay Shetty that if you feel like settling, it's important to first understand if it's because your standards are too high or there is genuine incompatibility. Try looking deeper than the surface-level perfection to understand if you connect on deeper levels when choosing a partner.

Red Flags

In the digital era, people frequently view others as disposable. Sadia Khan told Jay Shetty that she believes ghosting is often a sign of emotional avoidance and poor communication skills. Another reason may be that the person was never emotionally available in the first place.

The psychologist highlights that past relationship habits strongly predict future actions. You need to understand how they behaved in the past to foresee what may happen in the future. If the other person has never had a committed relationship before or always leaves after only a few months, this behavior is potentially a good indicator of their patterns. Conversely, someone with a track record of long-term, loyal relationships may have better skills for forming healthy connections.

Emotional Maturity in Men

Sadia Khan revealed to Jay Shetty that many of her male clients are men who have been cheated on. It's not an openly discussed topic, yet it has become increasingly common. The psychologist believes the reason behind this phenomenon is a deficit in healthy masculinity. Unlike toxic dominance, healthy masculinity involves the capacity to lead, protect, and set boundaries.

Khan explains that many men grow up without positive male role models and often adopt the behaviors they learned were normal in their environment, such as passivity, avoidance, or extreme people-pleasing. As adults, these men may allow their partners to dominate the relationship without recognizing that a healthy partnership requires shared decision-making and strength.

The psychologist believes that balance is vital in a relationship. She told Jay Shetty that a man embodying both strength and sensitivity, and who is protective while emotionally aware, is more desirable. It’s important to set firm boundaries but never be aggressive; to be kind, but never spineless.

Why Women Cheat

Sadia Khan explains to Jay Shetty why women cheat. Unlike popular belief, women in toxic relationships tend to be quite loyal, the psychologist explains. It's those who feel like their partner is not masculine enough that may look elsewhere for fulfilment.

When their partner is overly passive, naive, or lacks emotional strength, women tend to feel like something is missing from their relationship. It's not that their partner is toxic that decreases the attraction, but the absence of protective instincts, assertiveness, or decisiveness. When a woman senses her partner will tolerate any behavior, she begins to lose respect, and eventually, emotional and physical attraction.

The Three A’s Women Need and the Three L’s Men Crave

Sadia Khan shares with Jay Shetty the three As women need for a healthy relationship:

• Attraction: Physical desire must be present; this isn't based on standard beauty, but authentic to the woman.
• Admiration: She needs to respect her partner for his qualities, discipline, or accomplishments.
• Adoration: She must feel cherished through affection, thoughtful gestures, and emotional reassurance.

Without these pillars, relationships risk collapsing. It will happen either quickly from unmet needs or slowly from emotional distance.

In contrast, Khan explains that men fall in love through the three Ls:

• Lust: Not just sexual desire, but physical chemistry and magnetism.
• Labor: The emotional and practical investment a man puts into the relationship.
• Loyalty: This involves emotional security and exclusivity. If loyalty isn’t reciprocated, men are less likely to stay committed.

Khan clarifies to Jay Shetty that lacking one of these elements doesn’t mean someone is being too picky—it means they have emotional self-awareness. Relationships that lack one or more foundations can still function, but they often lead to long-term frustration or quiet resentment.

Why Men Refuse to Commit

Many women approach Sadia Khan, unsure why men refuse to commit, even after years of dating. She told Jay Shetty that a large number of men grew up watching divorce and emotional instability, which led to a fear of deep intimacy and long-term obligation. These men aren’t inherently bad—they simply lack emotional readiness. Khan strongly discourages ultimatums.

Pushing men into commitment often leads to resentment, and later, distance or hostility. Instead, she suggests understanding the fears someone associates with love. Address them together, and show them that healthy commitment brings clarity, not loss of freedom.

Self-Esteem and Cheating Cycles

Sadia Khan explains to Jay Shetty that people who’ve been cheated on often experience it repeatedly. That doesn't happen because they’re unworthy, but because they overlook red flags, tolerate bad behavior, and lack boundaries.

She emphasizes that forgiving infidelity is not wrong in itself, but if the behavior continues without change, it reflects deeper self-esteem issues. You may have created an unconscious contract by caring for someone in the hope that they'll repay you by remaining loyal to you. However, the psychologist explained to Jay Shetty, when the contract isn't fulfilled, it leads to betrayal, even if the other person never agreed to such a contract in the first place.

To break the cycle of emotional pain, you must first recognize your own value, understand your partner’s true nature, and be prepared to walk away when they disrespect you. Staying in a relationship out of fear of loneliness leads only to deeper suffering.

Ego vs. Soul: How to Heal After a Breakup

Sadia Khan shares with Jay Shetty how to move on after a painful breakup. She explains that most people stay stuck because they seek closure from the very person who hurt them. But closure doesn’t come from someone’s words—it comes from understanding their actions. She explains the difference between ego and soul:

• The ego seeks revenge, validation, or one last word.
• The soul recognizes that the person was never aligned with their deeper needs.

You will only start to genuinely heal when you stop trying to impress others and begin living in alignment with who you want to become. The shift from ego-driven decisions to soul-driven peace is powerful.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.