Jay Shetty & Logan Ury ON How to Test Your Compatibility Before Getting Attached

Ever wonder why your dating life feels like a repetitive cycle of meeting people that aren't quite the right fit for you?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty sat down with Logan Ury, a Harvard-trained behavioral scientist, bestselling author, and the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge. In a world of infinite swipes and situationships, Ury reveals the blind spots that might be holding you back from the relationship you deserve.

The Three Dating Tendencies

Logan Ury developed a framework to help people recognize the unrealistic expectations they place on themselves, their partners, or the dating process. She told Jay Shetty that it consists of three dating tendencies:

1. The Romanticizer. This is someone deeply invested in the idea of a soulmate and believes that, once you find your person, love will feel effortless. For them, it's more important how a couple met than if they are truly compatible.

2. The Maximizer. These individuals have unrealistic expectations of their partners and are constantly searching for the best possible option. Ury warns that it's a common personality in our achievement-oriented culture; they don't like to settle and constantly worry that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. They struggle to commit because of their constant fear of missing out on better matches.

3. The Hesitator. According to Ury, they have impossible expectations of themselves; they set milestones to be reached before they can engage in dating, such as losing weight, getting a promotion, or having their lives in perfect order.

Logan Ury explained to Jay Shetty that these dating tendencies can overlap in a person. They are often dating blind spots: behaviors we cannot see in ourselves that block our path to finding true love.

Finding A Partner Isn't Enough

According to Logan Ury, there isn't one single person destined for us. She told Jay Shetty that there are many people with whom we can build a successful life. She explained that believing in "The One" is a slippery slope because it focuses 95% of attention on the process of finding someone and only 5% on the effort put into a relationship.

In Ury's view, finding your partner is roughly 25% about the person you choose and 75% about the effort you put in once you've made that choice. She explained to Jay Shetty that in a society obsessed with finding the right person rather than building the right relationship, a mindset shift is needed.

Instead of searching for a soulmate, Ury suggests embracing a "work-it-out" mindset. She noted that people who fall in love easily tend to give up at the first sign of conflict, because they believe that a relationship meant to be will be easy. On the other hand, if you focus on maintaining a relationship and making it work, that is a sign of a healthy relationship.

Gen Z and The Surveillance Culture

Logan Ury shared data from Hinge, showing that Gen Z is 30% more likely than Millennials to believe in soulmates and 39% more likely to identify as romantic or idealistic about love.¹ However, she told Jay Shetty that this idealism rarely translates into practice; she believes it's often paralyzed by a profound fear of rejection and embarrassment.

We live in a surveillance culture, where every moment gets recorded and makes vulnerability riskier. Ury and Jay Shetty discussed how, in the past, a clumsy or embarrassing text message would simply disappear, but today it gets screenshotted, shared in group chats, or posted on social media to drive engagement.

This fear of being too much or of being exposed for caring too much has led to a culture in which people pretend they don't care at all. Logan Ury noted that this surveillance culture also affected Gen Z's social skills, making them less likely to have a deep conversation on a first date than millennials.

The Challenges of Modern Dating

Statistics showed that a staggering 53% of singles report experiencing dating burnout.² Logan Ury explained to Jay Shetty that the burnout often stems from ghosting – when someone you were talking to suddenly stops responding, it triggers a spiral of self-doubt and rejection. She noted that the modern dating scene makes it easier for people to treat each other as disposable, because they have no other connection in real life, such as common friends or shared activities.

Ury told Jay Shetty that people started treating dating like a job, to the point that they needed a break from it from time to time to recover from the emotional toll of constant rejection. She warns against focusing solely on your work in your 20s, because avoiding dating will leave you without the essential skills you need later in life. Instead of taking rejection personally, she suggests seeing it as a redirection, a necessary series of “nos” on the path to the right “yes”.

Chalant Dating

Logan Ury believes that the antidote to a nonchalant dating scene is to act the opposite, chalant dating. She told Jay Shetty that the term "chalant dating" has seen a 217% increase in usage over the last year,³ which suggests that people are slowly shifting toward a more sincere and vulnerable approach.

Chalant dating is the combination of effort and vulnerability. Jay Shetty noted that even after a decade of marriage, one must continue to show care and effort in the relationship. While people's worst nightmare is to appear cringe on the dating scene, Ury believes that almost everything worth having in life requires taking the risk of coming across as cringe.

Bridging the Expectation Gap Between Men and Women

Logan Ury noted that, in modern dating, there is a significant discrepancy between what men think women want and what women actually report wanting. She told Jay Shetty that 69% of Gen Z survey participants said they didn't feel ready for a relationship; men, in particular, claimed they couldn't enter a relationship without being able to provide financially.¹‍

Yet only 6% of surveyed women said they wanted a solo provider, while 72% prefer someone who puts in effort over financial success.¹ Ury told Jay Shetty that men continue to be raised to be tough and providers, but women's preferences have shifted from financial security toward emotional intelligence. Old gender roles no longer apply, yet no new rules have been established, leading to miscommunication and missed connections.

What Is Satisficing

For the Maximizers, who always chase the coolest option, Logan Ury introduced the concept of "Satisficing", coined by Nobel Prize winner Herbert Simon.⁴ It's a combination of the words "satisfy" and "suffice". She told Jay Shetty that it's not about settling, as some may fear, but about establishing clarity.

A Satisficer identifies their non-negotiables and dealbreakers and, once they find someone who meets these foundational criteria, they fully commit. Ury told Jay Shetty that the goal isn't to make the perfect decision, because that doesn't exist. Instead, it's about how you feel once you've made your decision.

Maximizers often end up less happy, Ury told Jay Shetty, because they keep wondering what else is out there. While this mindset can lead to success in business or fitness, it's often destructive when applied to relationships. Satisficers, on the other hand, find happiness through commitment.

The Spark Is Overrated

Logan Ury told Jay Shetty that the spark is the biggest lie we've been sold about love. There are three common myths associated with it:

1. "If you don't feel it immediately, you never will." – Ury warns that this mindset ignores the mere exposure effect, where attraction grows as you become more familiar with someone.

2. "If you feel it, it's a good thing." – Often, the spark is the body's reaction to anxiety or alarm bells reacting to someone's unpredictability or narcissism.

3. "If you have it, the relationship is viable." – Chemistry does not equal compatibility; many couples with high initial sparks lack shared values and fight constantly.

Instead, Logan Ury encourages daters to look for the slow burn. The right person for you may not be immediately charismatic but may have the qualities of a long-term partner. Jay Shetty agrees, noting that healthy love is quiet and involves daily work behind closed doors, not a grandiose public display.

Optimizing Your Dating Profile

Nowadays, online platforms are the primary medium for couples to meet. According to Ury, the profile is your digital billboard or menu, and it should initiate a dialogue, not a monologue. So, she shared with Jay Shetty optimization tricks for dating profiles:

• The first photo must be a clear headshot without any sunglasses, filters, or shadows.
• You must display variety, like a full-body shot, an activity shot, and one with friends or family.
• Write unique, personal prompts and avoid generic clichés or random, generic facts.
• Tailor your profile to your target audience – you don't want to appeal to everyone, but only to those who are interested in the real you.

Moreover, Ury told Jay Shetty that sending comments instead of just likes is a form of chalant dating that significantly increases the chances of getting a date.

Do You Feel Like Yourself?

According to Logan Ury, after a date, you must ask yourself a set of questions to move from checking their resume to evaluating the dynamic. She told Jay Shetty that some of these questions should focus on how you felt during the interaction. Think about which side of you they brought out during the interaction. Did you feel heard?

According to Ury, the ultimate goal of love is acceptance, for your partner to embrace you with both your shadow and your light. She told Jay Shetty that relationships go through ups and downs, and kids, career changes, and illness are bumps in the road. She believes that love is the foundation that allows partners to weather those changes together and grow stronger as a team.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Logan Ury: #1 Dating Mistake That Leads to the Wrong Relationship (Use THIS Compatibility Test Before You Get Attached)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

Disclaimer: The practices described are based on personal experiences and preliminary research. They are not medical advice, nor are results guaranteed. Individual outcomes vary, and some claims are still being studied. Always consult a qualified healthcare professional before beginning any new health, wellness, or therapeutic practice.

¹Hinge, Gen Z D.A.T.E. Report 2024 (New York: Hinge Labs, 2024), https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fo/bu44246uhc8llc5q7kyze/h?dl=0&e=1&preview=Hinge+Gen+Z+DATE+Report+2024.pdf&rlkey=4dcsj3qwy9okkm5hwuv887915 

²Match and The Kinsey Institute, “Singles in America,” Match Group, https://www.singlesinamerica.com/. 

³Hinge, “Hinge Reveals The Most Desirable Partner of Cuffing Season Is the Planner,” Hinge Newsroom, September 23, 2025, https://hinge.co/newsroom/cuffing-season-2025. 

⁴Herbert A. Simon, prize lecture, “Rational Choice and the Structure of the Environment,” Nobel Prize.org, 1978, https://www.nobelprize.org/uploads/2018/06/simon-lecture.pdf.