Jay Shetty & Quinlan Walther ON Attracting the Right Relationship

Are you grocery shopping while feeling quite hungry? This is an important question to reflect on when seeking a lasting romantic relationship.

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty interviewed Quinlan Walther, a writer and relationship coach who creates viral videos on topics such as dating, self-trust, and connection. She is dedicated to helping people break free from unhealthy patterns, cultivate deeper connections, and build intentional, fulfilling, and safe relationships.

The Difference Between Wanting and Readiness

Quinlan Walter and Jay Shetty discussed the difference between wanting a relationship and being ready for one. She explained that wanting is like going grocery shopping when you're starving; you tend to make hasty choices and grab the first thing you see, prioritizing wants over needs. The starvation mentality directly applies to dating: if you seek relationships from a place of desperation or to fill a void, then your partnership won't be fulfilling.

Being ready for a relationship means having a clear understanding of what you're looking for and how you love and show up for yourself. It also means committing to building a life you like, so that the relationship becomes a plus in your life rather than a way to fill a void. It's important to choose connections that are fulfilling, not draining your energy.

The 4Cs of Self-Trust

Whenever faced with heavy difficulties, it's important to build your self-trust. According to Walther, it's imperative for understanding and liking who you are and for making decisions that align with your true self. She introduced Jay Shetty to the 4C's of self-trust:

1. Curiosity – learn about your motives, intentions, decisions, and feelings.
2. Capacity – find an anchor within yourself to support you through intense emotions such as sadness, hopelessness, or frustration.
3. Compassion – meet yourself with warmth and softness, and acknowledge that you are a flawed human who sometimes makes poor decisions.
4. Commitment – become devoted to building a fulfilling life and becoming the person you want to be.

Relationships as a Vehicle for Growth

Walther told Jay Shetty that relationships are fundamentally about growth. A healthy, loving relationship reflects back to you the parts of yourself that you have not yet grown or worked on. In her view, it's about becoming better even if your ego may not like it.

As you grow as an individual, you will need less from your partner; they won't be expected to be a validation machine or to perfectly meet your every need. Instead, you can focus on the relationship that you're building together, which will allow you to bring both your insecurities and strengths to the connection.

Quinlan Walther shared with Jay Shetty that relationships are often transactional for those who haven't deeply met themselves. They tend to focus on what they can get and feel disappointed when they aren't receiving enough. A healthy relationship is about growing respect and loving each other so it can thrive.

Emotional Safety

You can only fully embrace honest feedback from your partner if you are convinced that they're coming from a place of love. That's why Walther advises searching for a partner with integrity and kindness during early dating. Observe how they treat friends and family, because that reveals a lot about their character.

Walther told Jay Shetty that conversations in her relationship aren't fully black-and-white; there's nuance to everything, and it's crucial to understand where the other person is coming from. It's important to acknowledge a partner's finite capacity and stress while telling them how their reaction made you feel.

Open and honest communication goes a long way, and it can solidify a relationship. However, most people haven't seen this level of emotionally intelligent communication growing up, so it's still rare to find in someone or to build yourself.

Love – Action or Feeling?

Quinlan Walther believes that love is consideration, yet it cannot go beyond a person's capacity to understand themselves. People can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves, and expecting your partner to anticipate and meet all your needs creates dependency. This resembles a parent-child dynamic rather than an adult partnership.

There is a distinction between love, the feeling, and love, the action. Walther told Jay Shetty that love, as a feeling, is fleeting and won't last for decades unless it's followed up with action. Conversely, love as an action requires emotional intelligence and maturity. Its willingness to find the color and nuance, to learn to love someone how they want to be loved, and willingness to show up lovingly even when you feel the least loving.

In a healthy relationship, it's essential to focus on small, consistent acts of care that maintain connection. It's not only about how you want to be loved but also about understanding how your partner wants and needs it. Walther suggests asking yourself: if you claim to be able to die for your partner, would you also be willing to put down your phone and give them your full attention while they're telling you about their day?

Managing Dating Burnout

If you feel exhausted or burned out with dating, Walther offers two options: either stop dating entirely or shift your expectations. She told Jay Shetty that dating doesn't need to feel like a full-time job, and it's important to also focus on other things at the same time.

Don't go into a date like it's a job interview, Walther warned. Just focus on having fun, enjoying yourselves, and deciding on the positive energy you wish to bring to the interaction. If you go on a date with high expectations, you're likely to leave disappointed. Quinlan Walther advocates for flirting as fun banter with no strings attached, purely for the sake of fun and connection without any hidden expectations.

Is the Spark Real?

Quinlan Walther told Jay Shetty that the spark is real, but it changes, grows, and fades over time. While physical attraction is important from the beginning, it doesn't have to feel like an overwhelming firework.

Walther told Jay Shetty that the spark can sometimes mislead us when it feels like a roller coaster. It usually happens when we're chasing someone who isn't fully available. A healthy connection should be exciting, and it shouldn't feel like a free fall of adrenaline and anxiety, she warns.

In the long run, compatibility is more important than chemistry, Walther told Jay Shetty. Compatibility isn't about liking the same things; it's about shared values and visions for the future. If your core values don't align, then everything else matters less because your relationship is bound to fail. Moreover, don't expect someone to change for you.

Don't Tolerate All Behaviors

Quinlan Walter shared with Jay Shetty that people often tolerate bad behavior from someone they are deeply into. Yet when someone they like less exhibits the same behavior, they call it out. According to Walther, a childhood wound can make you question your lovability and force you to tolerate bad behavior even if it's hurting you.

In some cases, a partner would drastically change themselves for fear that the other has too many options outside of the relationship and may leave them. Yet Walther noted that if your partner is easily distracted by other fish in the sea, they most likely don't value commitment in the same way as you do, and it may be better to go your separate ways.

If you're someone who outsources all your needs and desires onto a partner, disappointment is inevitable, Walther told Jay Shetty. It's a self-centered view to expect that someone else would do the internal work for you. Therefore, it's important to understand whether your partner's missing elements are really crucial to a happy life or if you can live without them.

Taking Accountability

Quinlan Walther believes that you cannot force or hold someone accountable for change; they have to want to go through it themselves. If you bring up one of your partners' shortcomings and they appear willing to work on them, then the responsibility is entirely on them to make that change. You can be supportive, but there's nothing more you can do.

It's also important to remember that change is incredibly difficult. Sometimes people expect others to change easily, even though they know how hard it is for them to change their own habits. While frustration with each other's behaviours is inevitable in a relationship, it's key to openly discuss it and understand where the other person is coming from.

Enforcing Boundaries

Quinlan Walther told Jay Shetty that people who become upset with your boundaries tend to be the very same people who directly benefit from you not having any. Someone who truly loves you wants you to have boundaries because those are not designed to keep people out but to preserve your energy and self-respect. You shouldn't grant infinite access to those who disrespect your boundaries.

An effective boundary is a rule that you set and enforce for yourself. Walther's formula is "I will/ won't __ if __." This means that the boundary is entirely within your control. For example, you can say, "I won't participate in this conversation if you yell at me again." She explained that the boundary is not a threat but a commitment to self-respect. Yet the hardest part is walking away when someone violates your boundary and choosing yourself over the desire to please others.

Heartbreak and Moving on

After a breakup, especially after a long relationship, the first step is to grieve, Walther told Jay Shetty. The next phase is reflection: moving beyond the immediate harsh story. While it's essential to acknowledge your loss, it's also important to look towards the future. Quinlan Walther suggests asking yourself what your life would look like once you're healed. It won't happen overnight, but even 1% at a time is still a step forward.

When crafting negative statements about yourself, Walthers suggests adding a question mark at the end. It's important to reflect on what went wrong on both sides and be honest with yourself. Love is an honor, she told Jay Shetty, and you must choose the person whose essence complements you and makes love and growth easier. It's also important to be your partner's biggest fan and to let them unfold the way they let you.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Quinlan Walther: Stop Chasing Love Just Because You’re Lonely! (Do THIS to Attract the RIGHT Relationship)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.