Jay Shetty & Jared Freid & Jordana Abraham ON Meeting the Right Person

Ever feel left confused and exhausted by the modern dating scene?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty was joined by Jared Fried and Jordana Abraham, hosts of the dating and relationship podcast U Up? In this conversation, they focus on topics such as current dating trends, fatigue, and unspoken truths about attraction and commitment. They discuss the possibility of people's attitudes being the biggest obstacle in finding the right partner, rather than blaming the dating apps.

Eliminate Negativity from Your Dating Mindset

Jared Fried told Jay Shetty that, while it's impossible to completely avoid negative experiences when you date, people tend to think very negatively. He believes that negativity permeates the dating sphere, and that is not helpful when looking for a partner; it's actively making your life worse, he added.

According to Fired, hearing other negative stories may help you feel relief and validation, but this relief is only short-term. Instead, you should maintain an overall optimistic outlook and find something good in each situation. Jordana Abraham stressed the importance of maintaining a full life outside of dating; it's not about quantity but about quality. More doesn't mean better. Also, she warns against the false idea that you need someone to improve or complete your life.

Instead of searching for what is missing in your life, you should rather have a satisfying life and focus on dating someone you really want to date, rather than looking for someone to complete you. Jared Freid stressed that when daters hold back and are negative, they are not being their full selves, which prevents them from bringing people into their authentic world. You need to realize that you already have a great life, and your future partner should be someone to make it better, not just anyone. It's also important to make it clear what you do and don't want.

Treating Dating Apps Like Indulgences

Jordana Abraham discussed the widespread fatigue with dating apps; more and more people are complaining about them. In her opinion, people should use them like fast food: from time to time, it's fine, but every day is too much. She explained to Jay Shetty that you need a lot of self-control when using the apps; you can't scroll mindlessly at any time, you need to dedicate a time and place to them.

Moreover, Abraham believes that you shouldn't rely solely on these platforms; instead, explore a wider range of places where you can interact with potential dates. It's important to diversify your pool, and also give in-person interactions a chance.

Freid mentioned to Jay Shetty that dating apps function as a crutch invented by those who wanted to socialize without experiencing public failure. You never get dumped on the app, he explained, because it's just a swipe, and you often don't even know if someone rejected you.

Jared Freid and Jordana Abraham shared with Jay Shetty their summer challenge, which they had proposed to their listeners, to limit the reliance on apps and interact more with others in real life. It consists of three simple steps:

1. Delete the apps: Remove them completely for the duration of the challenge.
   
   
2. Dinner alone, phone away: Go out to eat alone once a week, putting the phone in a pocket and committing to looking up and engaging with the real world.
   
   
3. Hang out with married friends: Make a plan a month with friends who are married or in a committed relationship. The goal here is not to find a date, but to hang out and be yourself, so the spouse realizes that you may be an interesting match for one of their single friends.

Where Are the Good Men?

Jay Shetty and his guests discussed the conundrum of finding good men. Women tend to look for partners who have the same or higher levels of education or the same or higher income. Therefore, the pool of eligible men is smaller. Men, on the other hand, operate on attraction. If they find a woman appealing, she is a good candidate for a potential relationship. This is why many women feel like "all good men are taken," simply because the expectations of men and women don't coincide.

Jared Fried noted that, generally, women discuss relationships more with their friends. Men don't tend to gather to discuss it. Dating is seen as more of a priority for women, who are societally pressured from a young age to think about their future. Abraham told Jay Shetty that women are more encouraged to find a husband and fall into their domestic roles than men, who are expected to invest more time and energy in their careers.

Fried shared that men dismiss potential dates based on attraction. The bright side is that, if a man went out with a woman, there is already the premise that he found her attractive initially. On the other hand, women are willing to see past the lack of instant attraction and give the man a chance to prove that he is a suitable partner.

Your Attitude Is Everything

Despite men putting a strong emphasis on the initial physical attraction, Freid, Abraham, and Jay Shetty agree that success in dating relies heavily on attitude. The key to dating well is not being irresistible, but having a good attitude and being happy. While someone may be physically appealing, a bad mood or mentality can immediately change their date's perception. Nobody wants to date someone with a bad attitude, unhappy, burnt out, or convinced that the date is going to fail.

On the other hand, attitude can make someone more attractive, even if physically they may not be a perfect match for their date. Jay Shetty clarified that attractiveness is subjective; it's impossible to be liked by everyone. The reality is that if you go out, are confident, and put the best version of yourself out there, you are giving a chance to connect to those who do find you attractive.

What Are High Value Partners?

Jay Shetty and his guests discussed the enormous pressure people feel nowadays, fueled by social media. There are narratives about "alpha males" and "high value women" circulating on the internet, and creating unrealistic expectations in the dating scene: women are expected to look like models in any scenario, while men's success is tied to them earning six figures or more and driving expensive cars.

Fried explained that only using this vocabulary alters your views on what to expect from a potential partner. Through continuous connection to the internet and social media, there is an uninterrupted flux of information, which inevitably leads to comparison. Daters see the curated highlights of other couples and expect that to be the norm.

Comparing yourself to what you see on social media is highly detrimental; you will start forming unrealistic expectations of your partner and may miss the chance to form a healthy relationship because of superficial standards.

Texting and ChatGPT

Jordana Abraham is not against using technology like ChatGPT to help craft initial dating messages or breakup texts. However, she believes it's important to use it as a starting point and edit them manually to give them a personal touch. She told Jay Shetty that if AI can help people act nicer or provide a starting point, she's not against it.

Freid argued that the use of AI is merely an evolution of behavior already present on dating apps. Written communication in the form of texts allows daters to write their own script and perform the person they want to be, unlike impromptu conversations. That's why he believes that you shouldn't write for too long before meeting in person; seeing them face-to-face will show you what you can't notice from behind a screen.

Jared Freid doesn't like it when people try to meet in person right away, either. In his opinion, it shows that a person doesn't value their own time if they are willing to spend it so easily without even assessing if a date is worthwhile. Freid told Jay Shetty that a middle ground is the best option: write for a while to see if you really want to meet them in person, but don't become pen pals. Most importantly, if you feel safe and excited, it's a good sign that you're ready to meet in real life.

Commitment Is Scary, But Worthwhile

Jordana Abraham noted that successful single men often have many options, which can sometimes paralyze choice. She addressed the biological reality that women face greater pressure to settle down earlier due to time constraints around having children, a pressure that men generally do not feel.

Jared Freid explained to Jay Shetty that men often end things before the next step because they are reluctant to go through the work or take on the responsibility of commitment. He acknowledged that this is often an avoidance of the next phase of life; the first few months of dating reflect potential, but commitment forces you to live in the reality of who you are.

Men often operate from their own perspective, Fried added. It means that their decision to end a relationship is less about the partner and more about their personal status and fear. He believes that a man's ability to commit is often tied to how secure he feels financially and professionally. Jordana Abraham and Jay Shetty share that marriage was one of the best decisions of their lives; they got to experience highs and lows together with their partners. Being in a stable relationship doesn't rob you of as much energy as chasing a partner would, they concluded.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Jared Freid & Jordana Abraham: Dating App Burnout? Do THIS 30-Day Challenge to Stop Wasting Time and FINALLY Meet the Right Person” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.