Jay Shetty & Vanessa Van Edwards ON Stop Overthinking Social Interactions

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty welcomed Vanessa Van Edwards, a best-selling author, behavioral investigator, and founder of Science of People.

She joins the conversation to unpack the psychology behind charisma and effective communication, all while embracing her identity as a “recovering awkward person.”

Van Edwards has spent years helping others overcome self-doubt, social anxiety, and the feeling of being underestimated. In her latest book, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication, she explores how to command attention, spread ideas more easily, and speak without being interrupted ever again.

From Awkward to Empowered

Vanessa Van Edwards shared with Jay Shetty that she didn’t grow up feeling particularly confident. In fact, she described herself as awkward, shy, and overly sensitive. Navigating social settings often left her feeling anxious and misunderstood. Over time, this discomfort pushed her toward studying social behavior as a way to decode cues and reclaim her sense of agency.

She explained to Jay Shetty that her mission is to support people who feel overlooked or dismissed. It all starts by asking a simple but powerful question: “How do you want others to perceive you?” From there, she teaches that there are three essential traits to define for yourself — your personal charisma blueprint:

• Warmth
• Confidence
• Competence

But these qualities must feel real, not forced, she noted. Van Edwards cautions that authenticity is key. When you define who you want to be with clarity and sincerity, you can begin adjusting how you show up in both personal and professional spaces.

The Science of First Impressions

Vanessa Van Edwards discussed with Jay Shetty how first impressions are often a reflection of our inner state. She emphasizes the significant gap that frequently exists between how you believe you come across and how others actually perceive you. This disconnect can have lasting effects.

She introduces the concept of a “bad day first impression,” referring to how we show up when we’re stressed or tired. Some people become stiff, others dramatic, or they might even shut down completely. Recognizing these patterns will allow you to take control of your presence.

Van Edwards also encourages creating a space, both physically and socially, that allows you to express your best self. Part of that includes reviewing your relationships and recognizing who leaves you feeling energized and who leaves you drained. The author told Jay Shetty that becoming aware of these dynamics is a step toward more meaningful, aligned connections.

97 Cues

A breakthrough in Van Edwards’ research was identifying 97 different cues that shape how people see us. She explained to Jay Shetty that these signals range from body language and microexpressions to vocal tone, speech rhythm, and even the words we choose. She notes that most people misread neutral expressions as negative, a behavior linked to our brain survival mechanisms. The author talks about the role of the “resting face” and how, if our face doesn’t signal positivity, others may perceive us as unapproachable.

Van Edwards elaborates on how our emotional state influences the way we read others, and vice versa, and it creates a feedback loop: if we misread someone’s cue, we might react defensively, which causes them to do the same. She explains that learning to read and send clearer signals can dramatically improve how we build both personal and professional relationships.

Flirting and Availability

Vanessa Van Edwards and Jay Shetty explored the misunderstood realm of flirting. One key idea she introduced was “signal amplification bias,” where people often believe their romantic interest is obvious when, in reality, soft, subtle cues often go unnoticed, particularly in the initial phases of interaction.

Studies show that it can take up to 29 flirtatious signals in just 10 minutes for someone to realize someone else is flirting with them.¹ Van Edwards stressed how small gestures (like a simple “Hey” paired with a warm smile) can have far more power than we think. She also told Jay Shetty how biological influences, such as scent, vocal resonance, and pheromones, can affect our perception; yet availability (and not physical beauty) is often the strongest and most consistent cue of attraction.

Creating Connection

Vanessa Van Edwards shared with Jay Shetty the concept of similarity attraction which explains why we tend to be attracted to people who seem to have similar values, experiences, or cultural backgrounds. In conversations, small moments of shared recognition (the so-called "me-too moments") can quickly create a sense of connection, and build connection fast.

Instead of leaning on generic small talk, Van Edwards suggests using the context around you. Observations like “Tough class, huh?” or “That was a powerful presentation” anchor the interaction in something shared. Context-specific cues feel natural and authentic, and they help initiate a dialogue that can evolve into a stronger bond.

Moreover, the author also advises against empty flattery. Rather than saying “You look great,” you can say “You seem really focused today.” The difference lies in being specific because it shows you’re truly paying attention, which leaves a deeper impact.

Storytelling, Curiosity, and Authenticity

Van Edwards emphasized to Jay Shetty how important storytelling and curiosity are to communication. She explains how effective conversations are like games: each move or question invites a deeper connection. So, instead of offering standard replies to common questions like “What do you do?” she encourages the listeners to respond with something unexpected or playful.

Additionally, the author recommends preparing engaging responses in advance, and, to make things even more interactive, she introduced a guessing game technique. She told Jay Shetty that asking questions like “How many siblings do you think I have?” can break the ice and invite humor into the exchange.

Authentic storytelling builds trust, but listening is just as important. Genuine curiosity makes a conversation dynamic and prevents one-sidedness, a defining feature of charismatic communication.

Ending Conversations with Intention

Vanessa Van Edwards pointed out to Jay Shetty that most people don’t know how to end a conversation respectfully. Not every interaction needs to be deep, but exiting with grace is important. Her three-step formula helps with that:

1. Use non-verbal cues that signal a wind down: slightly angle your body toward the door, ease up on eye contact, or subtly shift your stance.
2. Steer the talk toward future plans by asking what the other person is doing next.
3. Offer a kind, specific farewell: “Good luck with your pitch!” or “Hope you enjoy the trip!”

Furthermore, Vanessa Van Edwards introduced Jay Shetty to the “triple nod” technique. A slow and deliberate triple nod encourages someone to keep talking. In contrast, a fast triple nod, however, signals that it’s time to wrap things up.

Spotting Manipulation and Narcissism

While charisma is a powerful force, Vanessa Van Edwards discusses with Jay Shetty its potential misuse and exploitation, especially by manipulative personalities like narcissists. She points out that narcissists tend to showcase excessive charm and confidence early on. Yet, over time, they begin to display red flags such as controlling behavior, gaslighting, or persistent victim mentality.

Van Edwards advises the listeners to look for mismatched cues. When words and body language don’t align, you ought to be careful because it usually signals a lack of sincerity. She recommends the “car challenge”, which is an easy test to try early in dating and see how the person behaves in a mundane setting, like traffic or parking. These small, unguarded moments often reveal someone's true colors faster than in rehearsed social settings.

Balancing Warmth and Competence in Professional Life

The author told Jay Shetty that it is essential to strike the right balance between warmth and competence in the workplace. Van Edwards notes that these two characteristics, warmth and competence, make up to 82% of how others evaluate us.² This dynamic shows up in professional emails, job interviews, and meetings.

For women in particular, balancing these can be tricky. Being too assertive may read as cold, while being too warm may lead to people underestimating you. Therefore, Vanessa Van Edwards suggests using tools, including AI writing assistants, to analyze your tone. For example, excessive use of emojis or exclamation marks might diminish perceived competence, while overly formal or impersonal language can make you seem cold.

Van Edwards encourages communication rooted in empathy and clarity. Essentially, she stresses that women shouldn’t feel they have to tone down their authority to be likable. When you understand how to fine-tune your cues, you step into your full presence as a leader.

Optimizing Belonging

Vanessa Van Edwards also talked to Jay Shetty about ambiversion — the blend of introversion and extroversion. Ambiverts often struggle with the desire for connection but also their need for space, making it harder to gauge their own limits or set boundaries.

The author also explained to Jay Shetty the importance of evaluating your relationships. Don’t cling to connections out of guilt or nostalgia. Instead, seek out those rooted in mutual respect and a sense of shared wonder.

Van Edwards emphasized that charisma isn’t about being perfect, but about being aligned and letting your presence, your intention, and your behavior all work in harmony.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

¹Hall, Jeffrey & Xing, Chong & Brooks, Seth. (2015). Accurately Detecting Flirting. Communication Research. 42. 939-958. 10.1177/0093650214534972. 

²Williams LE, Bargh JA. Experiencing physical warmth promotes interpersonal warmth. Science. 2008 Oct 24;322(5901):606-7. doi: 10.1126/science.1162548. PMID: 18948544; PMCID: PMC2737341.