In this episode, Jay Shetty shared the audio version of a chapter from his most recent book, Eight Rules Of Love.

The reading focuses on the importance of being comfortable and content alone. It encourages listeners to explore activities and enjoy their own company.

Jay Shetty discusses some people's discomfort when alone and provides principles and steps to help listeners embrace solitude. He emphasizes the benefits of spending time alone and highlights its power in one's life.

Let Yourself Be Alone

In this chapter, Jay Shetty discusses the importance of solitude and learning to love oneself. He introduces the concept of Brahmacharya, the first stage of life at an ashram, where individuals prepare for love by embracing solitude and reflecting on past relationships to improve future ones. Being alone allows for self-love, self-understanding, healing, and self-care.

Many people fear loneliness and prioritize being in a relationship, even if unhappy, due to insecurities and anxieties surrounding being single.

Jay Shetty suggests that instead of making decisions based on insecurity and desperation, individuals should use their time alone to understand themselves, their pleasures, and their values. Learning to love oneself leads to developing qualities like compassion, empathy, and patience, which can be used to love others. He highlights the importance of being comfortable and confident in making independent choices and reflecting on personal experiences.

Moreover, Jay Shetty acknowledges that society often portrays loneliness as something to be feared and avoided. However, during his time as a monk, he experienced extended periods of solitude. As a result, he found it to be valuable for personal growth. In addition, the emotional isolation allowed him to develop skills that are harder to cultivate in the context of relationships. Therefore, Jay Shetty encourages listeners to embrace solitude, overcome the fear of loneliness, and learn essential life lessons.

Test Yourself

Jay Shetty provides an exercise to assess your comfort with being alone and how you spend your solitude. He suggests keeping track of solo activities for a week and reflecting on how they made you feel. The exercise involves actively engaging in solitary pastimes like reading, walking, meditating, exercising, or pursuing personal interests. The goal is to understand your comfort levels and identify activities that may make you feel uncomfortable or lonely when done alone.

To develop a practice of being alone, Jay Shetty recommends choosing one new activity to do alone each week for a month. These activities include watching a movie, visiting a museum, dining out, attending a party, volunteering, taking a class, or celebrating a birthday or holiday alone. Consider your reactions, intrusive thoughts, and reflections on being alone during these activities. In addition, consider questions like how long it takes to feel comfortable, the influence of companions on your enjoyment, and whether distractions like phones or media affect your experience.

This exercise aims to become more comfortable in your own company, understand your preferences, and develop the ability to converse with yourself. In addition, you can cultivate self-reliance and independent thinking by intentionally spending time alone and reflecting on the experience.

Solitude Is Not Loneliness

Jay Shetty explains the difference between loneliness and solitude, emphasizing that solitude is the foundation for love. Solitude allows us to move through the world with openness and curiosity, fostering a deeper connection with ourselves and the world around us. Being alone can enhance our experiences, such as in art museums, where individuals without distractions have a stronger emotional response and find the experience more thought-provoking. Furthermore, avoiding solitude hinders skill development and learning.

Shifting from loneliness to solitude involves presence, discomfort, and confidence. By embracing solitude and using it to understand ourselves, we can better prepare for healthy relationships. Knowing our personality, values, and goals allows us to effectively navigate the intersection of two lives. Solitude is not a failure to love; it is the beginning of love and a way to develop the skills needed for meaningful connections.

Being Present

Jay Shetty discusses the importance of being present with ourselves as the first step in utilizing solitude. Being present allows us to understand our values and priorities in life, which helps us make better decisions and develop self-awareness. In addition, by knowing our values, we can identify areas for improvement and leverage our strengths in relationships.

Also, Jay Shetty suggests reflecting on different aspects of life to gain insight into our values and attitudes. Some examples are time choices, social media usage, weekends and travel, date nights, TV preferences, punctuality, planning, habits and organization, exercise, food choices, sleep, money management, social interactions, and family relationships.

Understanding our values enables us to ensure that our partners respect them and fosters mutual understanding and respect. Jay Shetty acknowledges that spending time alone can initially feel uncomfortable and awkward if we're not accustomed to it. It may be challenging to be alone with our thoughts and not feel a sense of achievement or apparent benefits.

Take On A New Challenge

Jay Shetty suggests challenging ourselves to get comfortable with being alone by engaging in new experiences. He presents three options which provide opportunities for self-reflection and self-discovery:

  • Committing to a new skill that takes time to develop. By pursuing a new skill, we can explore what draws us to it, how it impacts our confidence and self-worth, and if it aligns with our self-image.
  • Traveling alone. It helps us understand our independence and preferences, such as decision-making, organization, and engaging with the world.
  • Taking on a job we've never done before. Trying a new job, even part-time or volunteer, allows us to assess aspects of ourselves that remain consistent and discover what energizes or drains us.

Increasing self-awareness and understanding our interests make us feel more comfortable in solitude and pursue our passions without relying on others. These activities contribute to personal growth and make the most of our alone time.

Building Confidence

Jay Shetty emphasizes the importance of confidence in relationships. It is rooted in self-assurance and appreciation of our abilities and qualities. It also enables us to engage with others without seeking constant approval or basing our self-esteem on their reactions. Building confidence involves making time for things that matter to us and taking action to change aspects of ourselves that we don't like.

Instead of focusing solely on external achievements, Jay Shetty encourages setting goals centered around personal growth. Knowing our goals helps us prepare for love and allows us to communicate their importance to potential partners. It is crucial to find a partner who respects our goals and understands why they matter to us.

We must take action on our goals to demonstrate their significance to our partners. We need to know our goals to assess how well they effectively align with someone else's.


Jay Shetty suggests identifying your life's most significant growth area by assessing five key areas: self, financial, mental/emotional health, physical health, and relationships. Next, you can determine which area you most want to improve through a series of questions. Finally, once you've identified the growth area, you can develop a growth plan using the three C's of transformation: coaching, consistency, and community.

Seek resources, such as books, podcasts, courses, or professionals, to help address the specific growth area and break it down into actionable steps. Set ongoing goals rather than focusing solely on achievements and find a supportive community that aligns with your goals. Building high self-esteem through personal growth enhances various aspects of life and leads to more fulfilling romantic relationships. Spending productive time in solitude allows you to understand your personality, values, and goals, preparing you for love at every relationship stage.

One Mind

Jay Shetty emphasizes the significance of solitude in understanding ourselves and cultivating self-awareness and becoming students of our being. When we are alone, we are forced to rely on ourselves, he explained. We can discover what truly matters to us and navigate life's challenges independently. While help and support from others are valuable, solitude teaches us not to expect or depend on them. It enables us to develop our strengths and make decisions based on our understanding and values.

Jay Shetty draws wisdom from the Bhagavad Gita, an ancient Hindu scripture. He highlights the dangers of being carried away by the senses and the importance of training ourselves not to be swayed by superficial attractions. In solitude, we are only dealing with one mind - our own. This allows us to master our senses and create a space between sensory stimulation and decision-making.

In today's world, our senses are constantly bombarded with overstimulation. We are surrounded by unfiltered information and endless distractions that compete for our attention. Amidst this noise, it becomes challenging to discern what truly matters. As a result, our senses can lead us astray, attracting us to what appears appealing without giving us a chance to reflect before making decisions.

Understanding ourselves is crucial before entering into relationships, Jay Shetty stressed. Suppose we have a clear understanding of who we are. In that case, we can avoid losing ourselves and molding our identity around our partner or external influences. Instead, solitude helps us set our standards for how we want to live and love, allowing us to integrate our partner's tastes with confidence and autonomy.

Self-control and patience are essential skills we develop through solitude. By creating a gap between attraction and reaction, we can restrain ourselves and ensure our actions align with the person we aspire to be. Self-knowledge enhances this self-control, giving us the capacity to pause, reflect, and make decisions that are truly healthy and nourishing in the long term.

Moreover, solitude lets us differentiate between what feels good at the moment and what genuinely benefits our well-being. Finally, it empowers us to make choices based on our values rather than being driven solely by immediate gratification or external influences. Ultimately, solitude is a powerful tool that allows us to know ourselves deeply, make conscious decisions, and live a life aligned with our true selves.

A Whole Self

Solitude is essential in cultivating a strong sense of self. Seeking a partner to complete us creates dependency and hinders our ability to know and love ourselves honestly. While relationships can provide support, it is vital to learn self-regulation and self-care. Spending time alone allows us to practice giving ourselves what we need before expecting it from others. It prompts us to be kind, honest, emotionally available, and supportive of ourselves.

How we treat ourselves sets the standard for how others treat us. A relationship cannot cure our relationship with ourselves. While therapy, friendships, and partners can help us understand and address our sources of sadness, understanding ourselves is our responsibility. Hoping a partner will solve our problems is like getting someone to write our term paper; we must do the work ourselves to truly learn and grow.

Solitude helps us enter relationships as whole individuals, capable of genuine connection and love. It lets us know how we like to spend our time, what is essential, and how we want to grow. It fosters self-control to wait for someone with whom we can be truly happy and patience to appreciate the person we are already with. Solitude helps us realize our value and prepares us to give love without neediness or fear.

By knowing and loving ourselves, we are better equipped to understand and love others. Solitude teaches us the effort required to love someone else and prepares us to accept their beauty and imperfections. It is an essential journey of self-discovery and self-love that enhances our ability to form meaningful relationships.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “2 Ways to Stop Anxious Thoughts & 3 Steps to Love Yourself and Build More Confidence (Special Edition)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at

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