Jay Shetty & Mel Robbins ON Stop Putting Yourself Last

Have you ever stopped to wonder if the loudest, harshest critic in your life isn’t actually a person standing in front of you, but the constant, nagging voice inside your own head that tells you that you aren't enough?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty sat down with Mel Robbins, author, speaker, and podcast host of The Mel Robbins Podcast. She has spent years helping people navigate pivots in their personal and professional lives. In this conversation, she shared her insights on the inner critic, the biological traps of self-reflection, and the manipulative nature of people-pleasing.

External Validation Has a Price

We all want so badly to be liked by others, Mel Robbins told Jay Shetty. The reason behind it is the fundamental human desire to be understood and loved, which also fuels a big part of our daily anxiety, she explained. If we truly didn't care about any of it, we would live totally free, unburdened by the weight of judgment.

However, constantly seeking approval often leads us to dislike ourselves, because we prioritize others' views over our own. Robbins explains to Jay Shetty that, when we allow others' opinions to dominate our psyche, we stop living for ourselves and shift into a constant state of perpetual fear and self-limitation. It creates an inner critic that stifles our ability to know what we are truly capable of and what we are truly worthy of achieving in this lifetime.

Modern Self-Reflection

Robbins told Jay Shetty that humans were never evolutionarily designed to see themselves as frequently as we do in the modern age.¹ For the vast majority of our history, reflections were rare and often distorted; the usual sources were found in moving water or imperfect mirrors.

But today, technologies like Zoom, FaceTime, and social media allow us to see ourselves at unusual rates for our brains, Robbins asserted. She explained to Jay Shetty that constant self-observation triggers the same mechanism as when we assess whether we are on the same wavelength with strangers.² However, instead of using this lens to assess others, we turned it inwards, and we criticize ourselves instead. Jay noticed that on video calls, people spend most of their time staring at their own picture in the corner rather than engaging with other participants.

Self-Criticism Is Learned Behavior

According to experts, two primary factors significantly amplify the volume of our self-criticism: stress and culture.³ Robbins told Jay Shetty that the more overwhelmed we feel, the more our inner critic dials up its intensity. This usually happens because we find ourselves in a state of fight-or-flight, which makes it nearly impossible to be compassionate or present with ourselves.

On the other hand, culture forces us to constantly compare our real selves (with all our imperfections) with an idealized self we believe we must embody. Mel Robbins told Jay Shetty that this societal pressure makes us feel broken and not enough, and overlooks the beauty in our imperfections.

Nobody is born hating themselves; self-criticism is learned behavior, and it usually emerges between the ages of 12 and 18, when social bonding with peers becomes a biological priority over bonding with parents.⁴ If a child is picked on at that age for a variety of reasons, the brain processes the social rejection as actual physical pain. These uncomfortable early experiences teach us how to beat ourselves up, but they can also be unlearned, Robbins added.

Changing Your Mindset

Mel Robbins told Jay Shetty that the first step in correcting our self-loathing mentality is to look back and identify when we first started telling ourselves we weren't enough. Additionally, it's important to add a meaningful mantra, as research from the University of Michigan suggests it helps, because using your own name when talking to yourself can effectively snap you out of a critical loop.⁵ By calling your own name, you create a psychological distance that allows for more objectivity in your inner speech.

Robbins also shared a four-step process for coding new thoughts into the mind:

1. Write down the affirmation
2. Read it
3. Say it out loud
4. Visualize yourself as that person while in a calm state

This kind of mental training is imperative because self-critical habits have been around for decades, and only constant work can help retrain the mind.

Don't Postpone Your Life

Another trend that Mel Robbins addressed was the tendency to put our lives on hold until we reach some future, perfect version of ourselves. She warns that life happens while we wait and encourages the audience to do the things they have postponed, like going to the beach, speaking up at work, or being in front of a camera. She told Jay Shetty that every day we wait, we implicitly tell ourselves that we are not good enough to live the life we deserve in this very moment.

The idealized version of ourselves serves as a phantom that prevents us from enjoying the opportunities available right now. Mel Robbins and Jay Shetty agree that we can prove the inner critic wrong by simply doing the thing now, no matter how we feel about our current state. Taking action is the single best way to demonstrate to your brain that you are worthy exactly the way you are right now.

From Physical Obsession to Inner Reflection

Jay Shetty shared that, during his three years in the monastery, he didn't have any mirrors to look into. He explained that the absence of a reflection was intended to prevent self-obsession and foster deeper humility and detachment from the physical world. During that time, he realized that, when you don't think about your appearance, you are free to explore your mental and emotional potential with a clarity that wouldn't be possible otherwise. Once you stop being distracted by the world outside, you'll discover an inner universe that awaits.

Mel Robbins admitted that she was at the opposite end of the spectrum. For the first 55 years of her life, she was almost entirely obsessed with her physical appearance. Her hair, makeup, and outfit weighed heavily in her daily decisions and she forgot that she also had another life underneath the skin.

People-Pleasing Is Dangerous

Mel Robbins surprised Jay Shetty with her view on people-pleasing. She didn't define it as a sign of niceness or softness, but as a calculated, active form of manipulation. She admitted that she used to wear the label as a badge of honor, until she realized that people-pleasers manipulate others into liking them by agreeing when they really don't mean to. She asserted that this behavior is a strategic way to achieve a sense of purpose and importance by being needed by others.

Moreover, if your mind and body aren't in alignment, you risk burnout, Jay Shetty warned. When the body is screaming for a boundary, but your mind won't respect it, it becomes an inner conflict, and you may feel a deep sense of self-betrayal. Unless you stop pleasing others at your own expense, you may end up stomping on your own head just to avoid making someone else mad.

To break the cycle of people-pleasing, Mel Robbins suggested pausing and paying attention to your most basic physical needs. Many people focus so much on being liked or on staying in a meeting that they ignore their hunger, thirst, or need to use the bathroom. She stressed that being unwilling to take care of your basic needs is a sign that you prioritize others' potential opinions over your own fundamental well-being.

The body knows what it needs, but our minds were trained to ignore the signals in favor of social compliance, Jay Shetty noted. Mel Robbins added that, if you aren't able to draw a boundary around a 10-minute bathroom break, you will never be able to set in place bigger, higher-stakes boundaries essential for a healthy life.

Harnessing the Power of Jealousy

Mel Robbins pivoted in her career, but she initially did it out of desperation rather than courage. She told Jay Shetty that she hated her life as a lawyer, and it felt like a death sentence. Eventually, the pain of staying the same became greater than the fear of moving forward, and so she took the leap, leaving her safe job.

According to Mel Robbins, jealousy can be a good motivator for someone to get out of a situation that makes them unhappy. Rather than seeing it as a negative emotion, she framed it as a strong motivator. She told Jay Shetty that she started her podcast because she was jealous of him, but soon realized she felt that way only because she also yearned for it in her life.

Learning and Forgiving

Jay Shetty noted that, even when you think you've failed, you must look at the lessons it taught you. He believes that every failure is a brick on a larger path, and that success arises because you simply refuse to quit when you are the only one standing in your way.

Moreover, not everyone has the same capacity for forgiveness toward someone who has hurt them. Robbins explained that, similar to other feelings, each person has a different "cup" they can pour from. No amount of external judgment will alter their ability to give. Jay Shetty emphasized that it's okay to start with feelings of anger and a desire to distance yourself from someone who has wronged you, as reaching compassion is the last step on the ladder.

From Hobby to Business

If you want to turn your hobby into a business, it's essential to start small and test the waters first. Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins agree that you must start by serving five to ten people deeply and listening closely to what they actually need from you before scaling to reach millions.

Mel Robbins also added that you must be a student for a year and study the successes of others. Then, commit to the boring, tedious reps in the dark, because they are necessary to genuinely create something that lasts. She and Jay Shetty reminded the audience that their current situation, no matter how challenging it may seem, is merely a stepping stone on the journey to a future they can't yet imagine.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “MEL ROBBINS: How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Feeling Guilty (Follow THIS Simple Rule to Set Boundaries and Stop Putting Yourself Last!)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

Disclaimer: The practices described are based on personal experiences and preliminary research. They are not medical advice, nor are results guaranteed. Individual outcomes vary, and some claims are still being studied. Always consult a qualified healthcare professional before beginning any new health, wellness, or therapeutic practice.

¹Suddendorf T, Butler DL. The nature of visual self-recognition. Trends Cogn Sci. 2013 Mar;17(3):121-7. doi: 10.1016/j.tics.2013.01.004. Epub 2013 Feb 12. PMID: 23410584.

²Tramacere A. Face yourself: The social neuroscience of mirror gazing. Front Psychol. 2022 Nov 10;13:949211. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2022.949211. PMID: 36438331; PMCID: PMC9691426.

³Jobson L, O’Kearney RT. Impact of Cultural Differences in Self on Cognitive Appraisals in Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy. 2009;37(3):249-266. doi:10.1017/S135246580900527X

4Yamaguchi, Ayano, Min-Sun Kim, and Satoshi Akutsu. “The Effects of Self-Construals, Self-Criticism, and Self-Compassion on Depressive Symptoms.” Personality and Individual Differences 68 (2014): 65–70. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2014.03.013. 

⁵Ethan Kross et al., “Self‑Talk as a Regulatory Mechanism: How You Do It Matters,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 106, no. 2 (2014): 304–24, https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035173.