Jay Shetty & Lori Gottlieb ON Stop Mistaking Calm for Boring

Are you performing in your relationship, or are you truly connecting?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty's guest is Lori Gottlieb, a writer and psychotherapist. She discussed the dynamics of intimate relationships, and how chemistry, compatibility, vulnerability, and communication all play a role in ensuring you're getting along with your partner.

Seeking Validation

It is not uncommon to try to impress the person you're dating in the beginning of your relationship, Lori Gottlieb told Jay Shetty. People tend to perform to seek validation, affection, or attention. We initially act as our own ambassadors, trying to put our best foot forward to impress the other person.

Yet once settled in, insecurities resurface, leading us to believe that love must be earned through external criteria, such as being highly attractive, entertaining, or funny. Yet Gottlieb clarified that love is earned by being relational, not through external factors. What you need to do is to show up, listen, and be emotionally generous, rather than to remain stuck in your own head during interactions with your partner.

Navigating the Vulnerability Gap

Lori Gottlieb discussed with Jay Shetty a common relationship challenge: partners' differing communication styles, where one likes to discuss everything, while the other remains closed off, unwilling to be vulnerable or share their feelings. It's essential to identify these behaviors early in a relationship.

Relationships are like cement, Gottlieb told Jay Shetty. They solidify with time, and it's important to work on the foundation while it hasn't hardened yet. Many people ignore early signs of non-vulnerability, believing that their partner will open up later. But Gottlieb explained that, in reality, the opposite happens.

Gottlieb also observed that women and men tend to behave differently in a relationship: men sometimes fear being perceived as being weak if they open up to their partner. On the other hand, women may unwillingly create an unsafe space for themselves to open up by showing discomfort at their vulnerability. So, both parties must work to create a safe space to be fully vulnerable and to receive compassion from each other.

Creating this space takes much more than just saying it exists; according to Gottlieb, you must separate who you are from who they are. It's essential not to take things personally or feel criticized or threatened. Don't get defensive, just listen. Lori Gottlieb told Jay Shetty that, often, you aren't the only two individuals in the room when such conversations happen: it's also all the people who ever hurt you in the past, living in your mind. 

Gottlieb explained that a good way to understand your reactions is: "If it's hysterical, it's historical." So, it's essential to identify who is talking and take back control from them, so you can focus on your partner and the current conversation without bringing up the past and all the feelings that come with it.

Acceptance Is The Foundation of Lasting Love

Lori Gottlieb shared with Jay Shetty that acceptance is one of the most loving things you can offer to yourself or others. It means embracing the fullness of both people's humanity, without settling or compromising. She believes that everyone has their likable and less pleasant parts, but you must learn to accept your partner with their qualities and flaws alike.

Gottlieb explained that people come fully formed. If you want your relationship to thrive, it's important to accept their true self. However, it's equally important to accept all of you, too. When you do, Gottlieb told Jay Shetty, your flaws will become smaller and will take up less emotional space in your mind.

Relationships are like a startup co-founded by two people, Gottlieb explained. It's a unique creation; while changing how you interact with each other is essential for a healthy partnership, she warns against changing the essence of the other person.

Don't be controlling; let them do things their way. Emotional stability and flexibility are essential for a successful relationship. 

Jay Shetty shared how he felt frustrated that Radhi wasn't organizing enough vacations. However, when she told him it was because his perfectionism wouldn't allow her the freedom to work on this task independently, he suddenly understood that it was his behavior that had discouraged her.

It's like living in an aquarium vs. a fishbowl, Gottlieb told Jay Shetty. A relationship shouldn't be a fishbowl, tight and too contained. Yet it also shouldn't be an environment lacking rules and boundaries. She suggests creating a space similar to an aquarium instead: have the walls that are boundaries, but also leave enough space for both partners to swim. This way, each party knows what's going on, and it allows both parties to exercise their autonomy to do the things that would actually enhance the relationship.

Chemistry vs. Compatibility

Lori Gottlieb told Jay Shetty that compatibility is the most important part of chemistry; it's not either/or. Compatibility is about vibing with each other, sharing common goals and values, and the ability to bring the best out in each other.

What we often label as chemistry is an initial combination of anxiety and excitement. Excitement stems from finding the other person attractive, while anxiety comes from stress and the constant worry that they like you back the same way you like them. Gottlieb told Jay Shetty that, as a relationship progresses, stress diminishes because you start to feel secure and know that your partner likes you. However, some people may mistake the peace it brings for boredom.

According to Gottlieb, people who date and experience the initial high stress often report hating it and craving safety and peace. Instead of searching for the initial high, search for the peace and the feeling of knowing you are loved, because that is the true trait of a successful relationship.

Context Is Paramount

When we are highly emotional, it's better to cool off before responding in a way we may regret. Lori Gottlieb told Jay Shetty that you may be too worked up in the moment to process clearly or extend grace. Rather, she suggests acknowledging that you need time to process and reconvene when your mind is clearer.

Another essential point when you fight with your partner is understanding your fighting style. Some may be fixers, while others may prefer to retreat and process in peace. Jay Shetty underlines the importance of learning how your partner reacts in an argument, so you avoid miscommunications that are, in fact, only different responses to a fight.

Lori Gottlieb added that we justify our behavior through context, but often overlook it in our partners. We know we snapped because we were tired or stressed from work, but it's easy to think that your partner did it because they are a bad person, disregarding their circumstances. Your partner needs words to understand where you're coming from; they cannot guess it, so make sure to create a space for open and honest communication.

Couples Therapy Is Also Individual Therapy

To Lori Gottlieb, couples therapy is similar to individual therapy because it involves two individuals working both separately and together to have the best possible relationship. She told Jay Shetty that she usually starts by asking both partners separately what they want to work on to be the best version of themselves in the relationship, regardless of what their partner does.

She added that the goals remain private and that she won't share them with the other partner; however, she will actively work to ensure they are an integral part of the therapy sessions. Gottlieb told Jay Shetty that, as each one of them successfully works on their individual goal, they also influence their partner, creating a cycle of positive responses. Therapy doesn't only touch on surface-level problems, but also on the underlying history and the people from the past who are mentally in the room with them.

Neurodivergence In the Relationship

In a relationship, both partners need to feel heard and have their needs met. Asking for that doesn't automatically make someone a narcissist, Gottlieb warned. In a healthy relationship, there is a healthy exchange, and both partners have enough room, but keep your expectations realistic.

Jay Shetty and Lori Gottlieb agreed that humans have the same core issues, such as communicating differences, understanding strengths, and managing challenges. In a couple experiencing neurodivergence, it's important to see the person clearly and not lose them behind the diagnosis. She explained that, like any other couple, it's essential to understand who the other person is and what their strengths and weaknesses are.

The perfect match is a myth, Gottlieb explained. A relationship is more about two distinct people deciding to accept each other's full, complicated selves, sharing their operating instructions, and building a flexible, peaceful aquarium where both are confident in their ability to weather disagreements. Just as learning a new language requires practice and grace, learning how to connect emotionally requires building up the communication skills and emotional vocabulary that society often fails to teach.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Lori Gottlieb: Stop Mistaking Calm for Boring! (Follow THIS Simple Rule to Build REAL Love)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.