Jay Shetty & Gabrielle Bernstein ON Healing Anxiety

Are the parts of yourself you hate the most actually just trying to save you?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty welcomed spiritual teacher and speaker, and multiple-time New York Times bestselling author Gabrielle Bernstein, known globally for making personal growth both accessible and practical.

Her latest book, Self-Help, introduces the powerful concepts of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy to an everyday audience. Bernstein aims to simplify, demystify, and democratize this therapeutic model by offering a self-help practice grounded in IFS principles.

Understanding Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Bernstein told Jay Shetty that IFS is a therapeutic model that profoundly changed her life; it's a practice of befriending the activated parts of ourselves. She explained that these parts are often the aspects of ourselves we might dislike the most, such as those that are hyper-vigilant, addicted, or exhibit extreme behaviors. While we generally want to shut these parts down, IFS tries to highlight the fact that they are little children inside of us, who have unmet needs.

The process may feel counterintuitive to many because people generally focus on entirely eliminating negative feelings, such as blocking out the inner critic. Yet Bernstein told Jay Shetty that these parts exist because we inevitably experienced trauma as children, whether big or small. To shield themselves, children build protective mechanisms that often develop into protective parts that often end up running the show in adulthood.

These parts can look like perfectionism, people-pleasing, controlling behaviors, rage, or addiction. IFS intends to recognize these long-standing protection mechanisms as young, internal children who desperately need the care of our inner self, or higher self.

Accidentally Discovering IFS

Bernstein told Jay Shetty that she discovered IFS by accident. After remembering an important childhood trauma, her therapist of many years asked her to engage with and get into a relationship with the extreme protection mechanisms, such as the anxiety, rage, addict, or controller parts that had blocked her trauma memory.

In 2020, she stumbled upon a YouTube video featuring Dr. Richard Schwartz, the creator of IFS, and realized that her therapist was applying this method with her. So, Bernstein reached out to Dr. Schwartz, who encouraged her to pursue training, and she became one of the last people permitted to complete the facilitator training without being a licensed therapist. Because she directly experienced its benefits, Bernstein made it her mission to make the practice available to everyone and wrote a book to share her knowledge.

The protection mechanisms we develop to keep us safe end up blocking access to the Self, Jay Shetty noted. While we all experience moments of the Self while in a flow state, it rarely shines through, like the sun behind the clouds, 

Bernstein explained. She added that, in IFS, there are 8 C-qualities that define the Self:

1. Calm
2. Compassionate
3. Courageous
4. Curious
5. Connected
6. Clear
7. Confident
8. Creative

Do the Inner Work

In today's world, people often feel exhausted; inner work requires energy, time, and courage. Bernstein told Jay Shetty that it's important to make the first step (like listening to this podcast) because it shows that you are seeking to become a better version of yourself. She argues that lacking an inner foundation is more difficult than doing the inner work.

If you find yourself in a situation where you hit rock bottom, it's often easier to start the work, because, Bernstein quoted Persian poet Rumi, "the wound is the place where the light enters you." The more important question, she believes, is whether you are willing to do whatever it takes to get and feel great.

The Four-Step Practice

To make IFS accessible and safe, Bernstein created a simple four-step practice in her book, designed to work with the day-to-day protection mechanisms without immediately going to the deeply traumatized parts:

1. Focus your attention inward (Check In): Create enough space between a stimulus and the reaction. Choose to check in instead of check out by focusing your attention inside, maybe even close your eyes.

2. Curiosity: Slowly tease out the part by asking questions like: "Where does this part live in my body?" (e.g., jaw, stomach, chest). "Are there any thoughts, feelings, or sensations attached to this pattern?" You might hear self-critical thoughts or see images of a past trauma. At this point, Bernstein recommends journaling as a way to let the stream of consciousness flow.

3. Compassion: Once a connection is established, apply compassion; Ask the part (not yourself), "What do you need?" The answers may surprise you, as they need to return to their natural role of being innocent.

4. Checking for Self: Look for the emergence of the 8 C qualities. Ask yourself if you feel calmer, more compassionate, connected, etc.

Bernstein told Jay Shetty that even one minute daily can convince you that the practice works, and you'd want to do it again, until you've faced all the parts that are within you.

Validate Yourself, and the Critic Will Melt Away

A significant protector is the inner critic, or self-judgment, Bernstein explained. It serves as a buffer against deeper, intolerable feelings, such as feeling unlovable or inadequate. According to her, it's easier to attack and judge ourselves or others than to feel the true pain beneath the surface. When applying the four-step process to the inner critic, it's essential to treat this part (as with all others) as a small child who is crying or having a hard time. Instead of getting defensive, respond with calm, connection, and curiosity.

Bernstein told Jay Shetty that the more Self-connection she establishes, the less external validation she needs. Ironically, accessing more Self attracts more compassionate and connected energy into your life, she added. External validation is never satisfying because the other person has not lived your life and can never fully comprehend what you've been through and your choices. So, the only true, lasting satisfaction comes when you learn to honor yourself for every moment you've shown up.

Speaking For, Not As the Part

An essential outcome of consistent IFS practice is the ability to speak for your parts, rather than as your parts, Bernstein told Jay Shetty. She admitted that one of her parts (called "Knives Out") is triggered by a feeling of shame; in her interactions with her husband, Zach Rocklin, she learned to take ownership and apologize for how this part acted, instead of defending the reaction.

Bernstein and Jay Shetty agree that it's important in a romantic relationship to understand each other and take accountability for your actions and words. If your partner isn't ready for therapeutic work, Gabrielle Bernstein suggests you focus on your own self-work and allow your partner to rise alongside you. If they don't, it may be a sign to move on.

When some of your inner parts have pushed people away or created wreckage, Bernstein believes the path is repair. You first need to forgive yourself and get into a relationship with the parts that caused the damage, recognizing they were trying desperately to protect you. Once you achieve self-forgiveness, you can make amends to others without needing their forgiveness to feel complete.

Self-Led Boundaries at Home and Work

Bernstein told Jay Shetty that the IFS model can be applied to parenting, too, as children regulate their energy through their parents'. A child needs their parent to show up as a composed adult. Even if the practice is not something that your children are willing to engage in, your increased self-energy will make you a better leader in your home.

The model can also be applied in the workplace, Bernstein added. It's essential to recognize which parts of yourself take over when, and work on them, so that you can enforce a positive relationship with the people around you, both in your private and professional life. If your protectors take over, this may lead to burnout, poor boundaries, and it can prevent you from advancing in your life. Bernstein shared with Jay Shetty that if you're looking to become a leader, it's essential to explore IFS and practice the four steps.

From Extreme to Intentional

Gabrielle Bernstein told Jay Shetty that the protectors often have valuable roles, as they can sometimes motivate you to do better. However, she warns that you need to ask yourself whether that part is extreme and leads to long-term harm, such as addiction or burnout.

In IFS, the parts don't have to go away; instead, they heal and become the best versions of themselves. Bernstein admitted to Jay Shetty that, while her ambition remained even after IFS, her energy feels different: less extreme, more intentional, more resourced, and more aligned.

To achieve success, it's essential to achieve a balance between calmness and ambition. When you are driven by Self, you can make clearer decisions and set strong boundaries, which allows you to move quickly, create more, and attract abundance. When you learn to see your inner protectors as valuable allies rather than enemies, you will overall function more smoothly and efficiently as a person.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Gabrielle Bernstein: The Simple 4-Step Method to Heal Anxiety, Stop Overthinking, and Stop People-Pleasing for Good” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

Disclaimer: The practices described are based on personal experiences and preliminary research. They are not medical advice, nor are results guaranteed. Individual outcomes vary, and some claims are still being studied. Always consult a qualified healthcare professional before beginning any new health, wellness, or therapeutic practice.