Jay Shetty & Esther Perel ON The Real Reason Why You Can’t Find Love

Why are we more connected than ever before, yet simultaneously experiencing a profound and growing sense of modern loneliness?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty welcomes back world-renowned psychotherapist and author Esther Perel to discuss the shifting landscape of modern relationships. Twenty years after launching her book Mating in Captivity, Perel explained why intimacy and desire feel increasingly difficult to navigate in a digital age.

The Atrophy of the Social Muscle

Esther Perel explained to Jay Shetty the generational difference between Gen Z and their parents; while their parents grew up playing freely on the streets, Gen Z didn’t have this opportunity. Unstructured play teaches children social negotiation, making and breaking rules, forming alliances, and conflict resolution. Perel argues that, without these early so-called social muscles, dating becomes overwhelming.

When young people grew up playing secluded or in the digital realm, interacting face-to-face with a stranger may feel daunting, especially in a dating context. In addition to the above-mentioned skills, it also takes an understanding of body language. Perel explained that newer generations reach adulthood lacking these skills. In previous generations, teenagers used to practice falling in love, dealing with crushes, and experiencing rejection around age fifteen or sixteen.

According to Esther Perel, many Gen Z young adults have their first significant romantic or sexual experience in their mid-twenties.¹ This means they enter the dating scene with the maturity of an adult but the relational experience of a teenager. Moreover, Jay Shetty cited a study that revealed that nearly half of young men have never approached a woman in public, something that used to be a standard part of social development.²

Missing In-Person Contact

Esther Perel explained to Jay Shetty that life has recently shifted behind screens, and it lacks the neurological depth of in-person contact. When we look at someone on a screen, the camera’s position makes direct eye contact impossible, so the brain can’t fire mirror neurons, which are essential for human connection. Additionally, having the option to see yourself in the corner of the screen makes it even more tempting to look at your own image instead of truly being present for the other person.

This lack of physical presence has biological consequences, Esther Perel pointed out to Jay Shetty: hearing a person’s voice produces oxytocin, the attachment hormone, and text-based communication lacks it completely. Acting as if you are connecting with others, yet lacking physical proximity leaves us feeling depleted, as the effort of engagement isn’t matched by the neurological reward of presence. Digital interaction is not nearly as soothing as physical presence.

Living in a Contactless World

The pandemic accelerated a trend toward a contactless world; nowadays, we don’t need to leave our houses for school, work, shopping, or food. You can have it all with one click. Perel noted that we have systematically removed friction from our lives, yet that’s where desire and connection are born.

Esther Perel shared with Jay Shetty the story of a friend who, decades ago, mustered the courage to speak to a woman he found attractive, which led to a week-long romance in Europe. However, young people today quickly turn to their AI companion to manage their internal anxiety rather than approaching the person in front of them.

In Perel’s view, by removing the need for face-to-face interaction, we have also removed the opportunities to practice basic social graces and empathy. We can now have food delivered without even thanking the person who brought it, further isolating us from human connection. Because we became extremely isolated, every social interaction weighs heavier and feels overwhelming.

Connected Yet Lonely

Esther Perel highlights the contradiction in modern life that Jay Shetty notes: we are more connected through technology than ever, yet we have never been more disconnected in our intimacy. According to her, modern loneliness is not a lack of people, but a lack of depth in our interactions. Moreover, conversations have become opportunities to respond: instead of listening to the other person, people think about their reply until it’s their turn to speak, missing a significant part of the message.

Friction is one way to combat this phenomenon: by experiencing disagreements, frustration, and being misunderstood. Perel explained to Jay Shetty that true connection requires listening until the end and asking follow-up questions before drawing conclusions or jumping to give advice. If you don’t invest time and effort into these deep, often messy conversations, relationships will remain superficial, leaving you feeling lonely even in a hyper-connected world.

Surveillance Culture

A significant barrier to vulnerability in the modern age is the feeling of being constantly surveilled. Jay Shetty noted that almost every interaction is documented through texts or screenshots, and people genuinely fear that a stupid message may be shared in a group chat or on social media.

Esther Perel finds it ironic that while we talk more about boundaries and safety than ever before, people frequently act without boundaries by leaking private, confidential information to others. Transparency has been replaced by surveillance; people have to constantly monitor what they say and whether their words might be twisted or judged by a wider audience.

Constantly living in a surveillance atmosphere breeds suspicion and fear, Perel explained to Jay Shetty. Authenticity is inherently fragile and vulnerable, and knowing that it can be exploited and spread online forces people to keep their guards up and not know whom to trust. Real connection is built offline, where you can meet the mystery and curiosity of the other person without the hovering presence of a digital audience.

Life Is Better With Friction

While the world is distancing itself from friction, Esther Perel believes that obstacles are essential for desire. She told Jay Shetty that the greatest love stories in history revolve around overcoming obstacles. However, in a world dominated by algorithms, we seek perfection and sameness, yet Perel insists that the combination of attraction and obstacle is what builds excitement and desire.

Esther Perel believes that modern dating revolves around people trying to find a partner who matches all their prerequisites. But love is not about finding your exact copy; it’s about being discovered by someone who is different than you. The human experience is meant to be lived, Perel told Jay Shetty. Therefore, she recommends taking a leap when it comes to love, because you may find your perfect partner in the most improbable circumstances. But you need to take a risk first.

The Seven Verbs of Love

Esther Perel shared with Jay Shetty the seven verbs that form the structure of healthy communication:

1. Asking – the belief that you are worthy of having your needs met.
2. Taking – permission to experience pleasure.
3. Giving – an act of generosity rather than a transactional attempt to avoid guilt.
4. Receiving – speaking to one’s sense of self-worth and deservingness of intimacy.
5. Sharing – the ability to integrate differences rather than simply compromising to a middle ground.
6. Imagining – a safe space that allows a couple to dream and build a life project together.
7. Refusing – the right to say no.

Jay Shetty finds these verbs helpful because they make love feel active and alive rather than static or transactional. Additionally, Perel mentioned curiosity as the primary skill that ties them all together; a curious mind is open for a journey of discovery where the other person remains an intriguing mystery.

Seek Power Together

Statistics show that one-third of Gen Z men believe a wife should obey her husband.³ Perel told Jay Shetty that people making such claims often feel undervalued or powerless themselves. However, rather than seeking to gain power over someone, she strongly recommends seeking power with someone instead. She calls it generative power because it encourages collaboration and creativity rather than oppression.

Jay Shetty reflected on how people often try to exert control over those closest to them to find significance when they feel they lack agency in the wider world. Esther Perel argues that true power comes from purpose, as it gives meaning to actions beyond just their own sake. She shared four dimensions of relational intelligence that contribute to this sense of power:

• Trust
• Belonging
• Recognition
• Collective Resilience

According to Perel, these elements allow a person to feel they matter and exist within a network of connections, preventing the deep existential dread of feeling forgotten.

What Is Trust?

Esther Perel shared with Jay Shetty her fascination with the discrepancy between the lack of trust people have in each other and how readily they trust corporations with their homes, cars, and data. According to her, trust bridges the gap between our expectations and life’s inherent uncertainties, and it's built through small sliding-door moments that reveal we can depend on the other person to have our back, even when they aren’t in the room.

However, Perel warns against treating trust as an all-encompassing idea; she explained to Jay Shetty that we must also be able to discern what we trust a person for. For example, you may trust a partner to be a passionate lover, but not faithful, or trust them with a secret but not with money. She stressed the importance of applying good judgment and recognizing undesirable patterns. Trust is a leap of faith, and it's built over time, through consistency, enabling both parties to feel secure even in their differences.

The Seductive Trap of Agreeable AI

Esther Perel discussed the phenomenon of AI companionship with Jay Shetty. She explained that AI is designed to be agreeable and frictionless, which makes it alluring and intoxicating because it never disagrees and always validates the user. According to Perel, it works like fast food: it targets our most primitive taste buds and demands the least effort. However, she warns that constant validation breeds narcissism and makes it impossible to put up with the messiness of real human beings.

Moreover, AI companions lack a physical body, a history, and the risk of loss, all of which are essential to the human experience of love. So, Esther Perel and Jay Shetty debated whether people falling in love with AI companions want to live in a fictive or a real world. While AI may provide comfort, true love is an active verb that strengthens itself through challenges and the fear of loss. Only this way can our hearts expand, something that a machine can never replicate.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Esther Perel: The REAL Reason You’re Struggling to Find Love (Fix THIS to Build Chemistry in Real Life)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

Disclaimer: The practices described are based on personal experiences and preliminary research. They are not medical advice, nor are results guaranteed. Individual outcomes vary, and some claims are still being studied. Always consult a qualified healthcare professional before beginning any new health, wellness, or therapeutic practice.

¹Rauer AJ, Pettit GS, Lansford JE, Bates JE, Dodge KA. Romantic relationship patterns in young adulthood and their developmental antecedents. Dev Psychol. 2013 Nov;49(11):2159-71. doi: 10.1037/a0031845. Epub 2013 Feb 18. PMID: 23421803; PMCID: PMC3830676.

²Andrew Thomas, “Risk Aversion and Dating,” DatePsychology (blog), January 4, 2025, https://datepsychology.com/risk-aversion-and-dating/.

³Ipsos, “Almost a third of Gen Z men globally agree a wife should obey her husband,” Ipsos International Women’s Day 2026 study, March 5, 2026.

https://www.ipsos.com/en-uk/almost-third-gen-z-men-globally-agree-wife-should-obey-her-husband

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