Jay Shetty & Dr. Shadé Zahrai ON How to Build Real Confidence

Have you ever felt like you were carrying an invisible scar that dictated exactly how the world treated you?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty sat down with Dr. Shadé Zahrai, an award-winning leadership expert, researcher, and author of the Big Trust: Rewire Self-Doubt, Find Your Confidence and Fuel Success. Having worked with tens of thousands of leaders and teams across global organizations over the past decade, Dr. Shadé Zahrai has dedicated her career to understanding the mechanics of self-doubt and the drivers of human performance. 

According to Dr. Zahrai, self-doubt is more than a singular, unmanageable blob of anxiety; rather, it is a complex state, driven by four distinct pillars of self-trust. She explained that we must learn to identify what holds us back and rewire our brains to become genuinely confident and successful.

We All Carry Invisible Scars

Dr. Zahrai told Jay Shetty that our self-image serves as a blueprint that dictates how we interact with the world. She shared a 1970s study by Robert Kleck, in which researchers drew a large, ugly scar on participants' faces and let them see themselves in a mirror.¹ However, right before the participants were sent out to interact with strangers, researchers removed the scar without their knowledge, letting them believe they were still scarred.

These participants overwhelmingly reported feeling judged, tense, and treated poorly by others. Based on these answers, researchers concluded that we often experience life through a lens of confirmation bias and selective attention; if we enter a room believing we are unworthy or incapable, our minds will notice and interpret events specifically to reinforce that negative self-image. Understanding these invisible scars is the first step toward moving past self-doubt and into a life of performance and fulfillment.

Cultivating Radical Self-Acceptance

Dr. Shadé Zahrai explained to Jay Shetty that, to become a better version of ourselves, we must cultivate four pillars: acceptance, agency, autonomy, and adaptability. We must start by accepting ourselves as we are. When our self-acceptance is weak, it manifests in four common behavioral patterns:

1. The pressure to prove, where individuals feel they must constantly demonstrate their value through high performance to win validation and praise from others.
2. The shrinking syndrome is characterized by a fear of success: deep down, the individual doesn't believe they deserve positive outcomes, leading them to self-sabotage before they can achieve greatness.
3. The schadenfreude cycle happens when a person feels a temporary boost in their own self-esteem only when they witness someone else fail; this is a significant indicator that one's sense of self-worth is suffering.
4. The endless need for approval causes people to become codependent, say yes when they want to say no, and wear masks to suit those around them.

Dr. Zahrai told Jay Shetty that it's not uncommon for people to exhibit all four behaviors, often without even realizing it. Their actions usually become apparent when they face a major life milestone, such as a promotion or a new relationship. Dr. Shadé Zahrai emphasizes that while these patterns are foundational, they are not permanent, and identifying them is a positive step toward taking ownership of your life.

Performing For Attention

Dr. Shadé Zahrai explains to Jay Shetty that our sense of acceptance typically develops in the first three to four years of life, and it is largely based on the responses and emotional nurturing received from primary caregivers. If a child feels they must perform to earn a parent's attention, or is constantly compared to siblings, they develop a deep-seated belief that they are only worthy when they are winning.

Even as adults, some people tend to seek external achievement to fill an inner void, sometimes leading to the so-called arrival fallacy, a belief that, once a goal is reached, everything will fall into place. But this is rarely the case, and the cycle continues. To break it, Dr. Zahrai suggests shifting your focus from what success brings you, to what you can do to be of service to others.

Dr. Shadé Zahrai told Jay Shetty that it's essential to differentiate your identity from your job and understand that your work is not your worth. She recommends picking up a creative hobby to allow yourself to explore the messiness of being a beginner in a creative pursuit and increase your self-esteem. Studies have shown that successful, Nobel Prize-winning scientists were three times more likely to have a creative hobby than their peers.²‍

Building Agency

In her book Big Trust, Dr. Zahrai identified agency as the second pillar of self-trust. According to her, this is the belief that you have the skills and capacity to achieve what you want. If you lack agency, then you may feel like an imposter. She told Jay Shetty that up to 82% of people experience it at some point in their lives, despite having a strong track record of success.³‍

When faced with this feeling, Dr. Shadé Zahrai suggests moving from comparison to emulation; success comes from cultivating a growth mindset and learning from all hurdles and setbacks rather than feeling intimidated by them.³ To build agency, you must behave like the version of yourself you're striving to become. She told Jay Shetty that, unlike faking it, this approach allows you to actively shape your transformation and update the blueprint of your self-image.

Dr. Zahrai believes we shouldn't deny ourselves job opportunities because we lack certain abilities; instead, she recommends identifying transferable skills that can add value to the role you're looking to fill. She came up with a 90-day roadmap for anyone in this position:

1. In the first 30 days, observe: get the lay of the land, and understand the company culture.
2. In the next 30 days, identify and fill gaps by shadowing colleagues or taking internal training.
3. In the last 30 days, implement strategies and develop a plan for the next year.

Dr. Zahrai told Jay Shetty that you are more likely to succeed if you structure your initial months at a new company, because the time you spend learning helps you find a purpose in your role. And when motivation comes from within, you can show up as your best self, regardless of the setting.

Take Back Control

The third pillar of self-trust mentioned in Dr. Zahrai's book is autonomy, which refers to whether you believe you have the power to influence your outcomes or that life is happening to you. She explained to Jay Shetty that people who complain about external circumstances have low self-trust and don't believe they can change the situation.

People need to distance themselves from the victim mindset and become more empowered. According to Dr. Zahrai, using the word "should" is disempowering and triggers resistance, whereas "could" opens up space for innovation and creative thinking. She advised the audience to create a list of everything they could do in their current situation. Then, move three of them to a list of things they will do.

She told Jay Shetty that by simply identifying three actions you can take, you re-engage your prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for logic and solution-finding, so you can move from an emotional downward spiral toward productive action.

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Our autonomy is shaped not only by our actions, but also by the stories we tell ourselves about our past, Dr. Zahrai shared with Jay Shetty. Research identified two types of life stories: contamination and redemptive.⁴ A contamination story is one where we carry past hurts as permanent scars, believing that we are destined for failure simply because bad things happened. A redemptive story, on the other hand, acknowledges hardships but focuses on the lessons learned and how we grew stronger because of them.

Studies have shown that curious people grow after a traumatic experience, while others develop PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).⁵ Instead of succumbing to bitterness, they choose to improve and learn from the experience. Dr. Zahrai shared with Jay Shetty the story of Pete Best, the original drummer for the Beatles, who was replaced by Ringo Starr right before the band achieved global superstardom. Although he initially spiraled into resentment, he soon realized that his experiences made him the man he is and chose to focus on his family and current life.

Face the Storm Head-On

The final pillar described by Dr. Zahrai in her book is adaptability: a person's ability to harness their emotions rather than be consumed by them. Dr. Zahrai told Jay Shetty that an easy way to regulate your emotions in high-stakes situations is the three-second spiral stop. When your body is flooded with anxiety, take a breath and remind yourself that your brain is only trying to protect you from perceived social danger, although no physical threat exists.

In another scenario, such as a coworker taking credit for your work, Dr. Shadé Zahrai suggests an assertive but collaborative approach. One way is to politely explain to the audience your collaboration with the other colleague, so they can't completely sell your work as their own. If they keep doing it anyway, address the conflict directly, but keep factual. It's important to focus on observations and feelings rather than accusations, so you don't damage your professional reputation.

Human life comes with discomfort at times, and we must learn to face it. Dr. Zahrai told Jay Shetty that cows and bison behave differently when a storm approaches. Cows tend to huddle together and walk away from the wind, but this means that they will stay longer in the storm, as they are moving in the same direction. Bisons, on the other hand, walk directly into it, face the wind, and pass through the brunt much faster. So, Dr. Shadé Zahrai suggests adopting a bison mindset when facing difficulties, as hardships foster growth.

Make Your Own Luck

It's not enough to think that luck will bring you whatever you need or deserve, Dr. Zahrai explained. She told Jay Shetty that Christopher Nolan is often described as lucky with the weather on this film set. In reality, his crew was trained to film regardless of the atmospheric conditions, and if it fits the scenario, that is a lucky shot.

So, Dr. Shadé Zahrai believes that people can increase their luck surface area by exposing themselves to more opportunities for serendipity and refusing to bow before the race even begins. She suggests rejection therapy, which involves putting yourself in low-stakes situations where you might get rejected, to desensitize your brain to the fear of hearing "no."

Self-trust doesn't happen overnight; it's a lifelong journey of acknowledging and appreciating your own skills, abilities, and resilience. When you strengthen your acceptance, agency, autonomy, and adaptability, you'll stop waiting to feel confident and start moving forward with the deep trust that you can handle whatever comes your way.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “& Dr. Shadé Zahrai ON How to Build Real Confidence” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.

Disclaimer: The practices described are based on personal experiences and preliminary research. They are not medical advice, nor are results guaranteed. Individual outcomes vary, and some claims are still being studied. Always consult a qualified healthcare professional before beginning any new health, wellness, or therapeutic practice.

¹Robert E. Kleck and Angelo G. Strenta, “Perceptions of the Impact of Negatively Valued Physical Characteristics on Social Interaction,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 39, no. 5 (1980): 861–873.

²Robert Root‑Bernstein, “Arts Foster Scientific Success: Avocations of Nobel, National Academy, Royal Society, and Sigma Xi Members,” Journal of Psychology of Science and Technology 1, no. 2 (2008): 51–63.

³David S. Yeager et al., “A National Experiment Reveals Where a Growth Mindset Improves Achievement,” Nature 573, no. 7774 (2019): 364–369, 

https://doi.org/10.1038/s41586-019-1466-y.

⁴Dan P. McAdams, “When Bad Things Turn Good and Good Things Turn Bad: Sequences of Redemption and Contamination in Life Narrative and Their Relation to Psychosocial Adaptation in Midlife Adults and in Students,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 27, no. 4 (2001): 474–485.

⁵Marie J. C. Forgeard, “Perceiving Benefits After Adversity: The Relationship Between Self-Reported Posttraumatic Growth and Creativity,” Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts 7, no. 3 (2013): 245–264, https://doi.org/10.1037/a0031223.