Jay Shetty & Dr. Becky Kennedy ON How to Raise Children Without Anxiety

How do we stop being terrified of our kids' feelings and start giving them the skills they truly need to thrive?

In this On Purpose episode, Jay Shetty welcomed Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, best-selling author, and the founder of Good Inside. Dr. Becky Kennedy is known for providing practical and compassionate tools that help individuals and families thrive. She spoke about honoring difficult emotions, setting healthy boundaries, and fostering genuine connection amidst the everyday challenges of raising children.

From Control to Fearing Emotions

Parenting styles and techniques have evolved in the past decades, moving from control to compassion. Dr. Becky Kennedy told Jay Shetty that, in the past, parents used to tell their children what to do, exerting control and dismissing the young ones' feelings. Although the goal was to raise independent and resilient children, this type of education neglected emotional management; many adults today have not learned the skills to manage their own feelings.

In modern times, younger generations tend to overcorrect for the emotional damage caused by authoritative parenting. Dr. Kennedy explained to Jay Shetty that we now have some parents scared of their children's emotions, who allow those feelings to dictate their parental actions. She believes it's best to find a middle ground: validate your kids' emotions while still reinforcing healthy boundaries as the parent in charge of the situation.

Why Holding Boundaries Is So Tough

When Jay Shetty asked why balancing empathy and maintaining boundaries is so difficult for parents, Dr. Kennedy explained that they were never taught how the two could co-exist. She also added that most parenting is simply inconvenient.

Because of how convenient the modern world is and how easily we can get our dopamine hits from it, we have become less tolerant of frustration. And because of the adults' low tolerance, children's frustration becomes unbearable both for them and their parents. This is why many choose to allow a child's whining to take the driver's seat, so that nobody feels frustrated anymore. Yet Dr. Kennedy warns that by doing so, you'll never teach your child to develop the grit and resilience to accept and sit in difficult situations.

Dr. Becky Kennedy told Jay Shetty that children are born with all the feelings but none of the skills to manage them. Bad behavior (whether a young child hitting, a teenager lying, or a child saying "I hate you") is a sign that their feelings are greater than their skills. If parents cannot tolerate challenging feelings and instead offer a quick exit or distraction, children learn that the feelings that scare them might truly be scary and toxic.

Mom Guilt Isn't What You Think It Is

Dr. Kennedy argues that feeling bad as a mother when you are trying to take some time for yourself isn't guilt. She told Jay Shetty that, in her view, guilt is a feeling that arises when your actions conflict with your values. If taking some time to meet your adult friends is in your value system, then it's not guilt you're feeling, but rather emotional confusion.

Women are often raised to care for others' feelings and put themselves last, and this carries into motherhood as well. Dr. Becky Kennedy suggests viewing yourself and children on opposite sides of a tennis court with a glass wall. When your child's feelings (upset because you need to leave them for a while) move to your side of the tennis court, you need to gently push them back to their rightful owner, the child. They may feel upset, and that's alright.

You don't need to take their feelings away, just help them manage the discomfort, while, at the same time, maintaining your boundaries (leaving to meet with your friends). Your job as a parent is to help them manage distress, not take it away from them, Dr. Kennedy told Jay Shetty.

Perfection Is the Enemy of Repair

Jay Shetty and Dr. Becky Kennedy discuss the assumption that parenting should be guided purely by maternal instinct and that it should be done perfectly. Dr. Kennedy explains that instinct often tells a parent to scream in frustration, like it happened when they were little. She argues that if parenting were purely instinctual, the only reason a parent would struggle is because they are broken, a narrative she passionately desires to change.

Instead of perfection, Dr. Becky Kennedy advocates for repair as the most important parenting (and relationship) strategy. A relationship with a parent is the foundation for all future relationships, and a perfect parent sets unrealistic expectations for adult partnerships. When parents inevitably rupture by yelling, lecturing, or exploding, the key is to repair. Yelling at kids messes them up far less than doing it and walking away, as the latter leaves children alone with intense confusion, often leading to self-blame. Repair allows parents to change the narrative, shifting the child's memory of the event by explaining that it was never their fault when the parent screams.

Identity vs. Behavior

Dr. Becky Kennedy explains to Jay Shetty that a major obstacle to repairing a child is the inability to first repair with oneself. People who struggle to apologize often have difficulty separating identity from behavior. Shame arises when you see a mistake as an identifier of who you are, instead of separating yourself from the action. It's an animal defense mechanism that halts movement and prevents learning.

Find a quiet place where you will be undisturbed, and repeat to yourself that you are a good parent who did something that you weren't proud of. Dr. Kennedy explained that separating identity from the action allows you to analyze the situation with curiosity, understand the triggers, and determine what you can do to repair it. However, make sure to own your emotions when talking to your child, and not shift the blame onto them, she warns.

Having a Hard Time

Dr. Becky Kennedy highlighted to Jay Shetty the difference between thinking children are giving you a hard time and them having a hard time. She explained that, in a conflict, these are usually the two most common mindsets parents have.

1. Me against you: The child is the problem, giving you a hard time on purpose.
2. You and I against a problem: The parent and child are on the same team, working against the difficulty, understanding that the little one may be going through a rough patch.

Shifting the mindset allows the parent to approach the issue with curiosity rather than judgment. When parents are on the opposite team, they stop liking their child in the moment, which undermines any strategy. Dr. Becky Kennedy advises telling yourself that you have a child who's having a hard time, instead of blaming the child.

Boundaries and Empathy

Dr. Becky Kennedy told Jay Shetty that a parent's two fundamental jobs are to set boundaries and validate kids' emotions, and they both go hand-in-hand. She defines boundaries as something you tell someone you will do, and that requires the other person to do nothing. For example, telling the child not to press the elevator buttons only moves the power from the parent to the child; instead, you should actively position yourself between the child and the elevator buttons, preventing them from pushing them. You are the one acting.

Secondly, validation doesn't equal agreeing with a child’s emotion. If a child is upset because a grilled cheese sandwich was cut into triangles instead of rectangles, validation is simply seeing the experience as real for them. Dr. Kennedy explained to Jay Shetty that both jobs are equally important, because they convey two crucial messages to the child: boundaries keep them safe, while validation shows them they are seen for who they are.

Optimizing for Happiness Wires for Anxiety

One thing a parent shouldn't actively seek is to make their children happy. Dr. Becky Kennedy explained to Jay Shetty that optimizing for happiness in childhood paradoxically wires the child for anxiety in adulthood. If your child is dealing with hard feelings, the first instinct is to distract them or make them feel better again. However, she urges the parents to allow these feelings, just as they allow happy ones.

Dr. Kennedy suggests joining your child, being by their side as they feel these emotions. You can say things such as "I'm so glad you're talking to me about this," "I believe you," or "Tell me more." When you tolerate your child's feeling, you teach them that it's not fatal and that it can be contained. A piece of advice is to avoid rushing to fix the problem, but allow them to safely contain their negative emotions, teaching them resilience for the future. Dr. Kennedy believes these are valuable learning moments because the child gains capability by watching themselves do something they thought they couldn’t.

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Dr. Becky Kennedy: #1 Parenting Mistake Fueling Your Kid’s Anxiety! Follow THIS Proven Framework to Raise Emotionally Strong Adults” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.