Jay Shetty & Cynthia Erivo ON Letting Go of Your Need for Approval

In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty sat down with Cynthia Erivo, Grammy, Emmy, and Tony Award-winning artist, famous for her incredible vocals, acting and bold demeanor. Erivo opens up about some of her most intimate experiences, from heartbreak to healing, purpose, and forgiveness.

What if the ultimate way of self-expression is simply speaking the truth, even when it hurts?

In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty sat down with Cynthia Erivo, Grammy, Emmy, and Tony Award-winning artist, famous for her incredible vocals, acting and bold demeanor. Erivo opens up about some of her most intimate experiences, from heartbreak to healing, purpose, and forgiveness.

Finding Stillness in the Chaos

Cynthia Erivo's crazy schedule surprised Jay Shetty: filming two major movies, attending global premieres, and performing at the Oscars. To her, it's important to find some moments of respite amidst the chaos. She admitted to sometimes simply staying in bed to allow her body and mind to recover.

Erivo told Jay Shetty that she carefully attends to her health by taking her vitamins, eating a vegan diet, avoiding alcohol, and sometimes traveling with her own food. In her opinion, these habits anchor her even in rapidly changing environments and help keep her body in synch. To her, they are personal rituals, and a small portion of home that she takes with herself wherever she goes.

Moreover, Erivo admitted to Jay Shetty that slowing down doesn't always come easily to her, but once she manages to become still, she finds real peace in it. Over the years, Erivo learned to embrace stillness and presence also in her creative work. She explained that she found true joy in being "where the feet are", whether while writing music or attending a red carpet event.

The Drive to Overachieve

Erivo calls herself an overachiever. She is always striving for excellence. She admitted to Jay Shetty that she is constantly looking to exceed expectations; for example, a standard album usually has thirteen songs, but hers has twenty instead.

Cynthia Erivo prefers doing the work herself instead of delegating, because it feels unnatural to be hands-off. While it's not always healthy to push yourself (potentially leading to burnout), she is working on finding the right balance between her ambition and self-care and makes sure to dedicate the same time to rest and relaxation as she does to work.

Erivo believes that her mother instilled in her the drive to achieve more. She was raised by her mother alone. Her mother emigrated from Nigeria and built her life in the United Kingdom through hard work and determination, and she witnessed it all firsthand growing up. Apart from her mother as a role model, Erivo also experienced early life traumas (such as her father getting estranged when she was 16).

Erivo admitted to Jay Shetty that, initially, she was seeking validation and worked primarily to prove her worth. But now, she found that motivation can also be intrinsic, stemming from joy, mastery, and a love for her craft. She spent years seeking to earn affection, but eventually realized that this kind of validation was not sustainable. The moment she made the switch from looking for approval from others, everything changed.

Healing from the Past

Eastern philosophy recognizes three modes of action, Jay Shetty explained: ignorance (fear), passion (ego), and goodness (love). Yet passion alone isn't enough to support a constant level of motivation. Even if our past motivations may have been unhealthy, they served us at a time when we needed them. According to Erivo, growth happens when we let go of them without shame, allowing us to evolve towards something more sustainable.

Cynthia Erivo advises the listeners to be patient with themselves when going through similar transitions, moving from external validation to allowing their internal driving forces to take over. She emphasized that transformation doesn't happen overnight. As long as the pain you're using as fuel isn't hurting others, Erivo suggests letting it serve you until you're ready to move on. However, it is essential to recognize when you outgrow this coping mechanism and then look for true joy.

Erivo views pain and trauma as valuable teachers, rather than mistakes. She clarified to Jay Shetty that she wouldn't change anything in her past because each experience contributed to her being who she is today. So, she told the listeners to stop being harsh on themselves for relying on survival strategies. You will feel it when the time is right for a change.

Belonging, Difference, and the Power to Shift Energy

Cynthia Erivo never felt like fitting in, but she eventually found peace with that reality. Her sense of being different - that once felt isolating - turned into a source of strength. If forced her to understand herself and her individuality on a deeper level, as she admitted to Jay Shetty. Now, she uses her uniqueness to connect with others instead of withdrawing from conversations.

Erivo has a strong sense of reading the room; when she enters a place where she doesn't feel welcome, her initial instinct is to shut down. However, lately, she has been experimenting with changing the room's energy instead of absorbing it. Shifting from anticipating rejection to projecting warmth has given her the ability to influence social interactions rather than be defined by them.

Emotional Frequency and the Practice of Noticing

The idea of "frequency illusion" suggests that the more we notice something, the more often it appears in our lives. Jay Shetty and Cynthia Erivo believe this phenomenon applies both to kindness and negativity. If we focus only on negative interactions, we will begin to perceive the world as hostile. However, if we train ourselves to consciously pay attention to acts of generosity, we will see everything through a more compassionate lens.

Human energy (like a smile or a kind gesture) can ripple far beyond the initial moment. Erivo notes that we often neglect to acknowledge these minor acts of kindness, yet doing so could transform our collective culture. While people are quick to complain, they are also slow to offer praise. She believes that practicing the opposite could enhance the emotional quality of our shared human experience.

Forgiveness as a Musical Journey

Cynthia Erivo describes her new album, “Ch. 1 Vs. 1”, as a vulnerable and truthful work. She explained to Jay Shetty that the songs were composed in the moment, spontaneously, without any written scores. It was just voice, feeling, and layers of emotions that went into the creation of these works.

Erivo clarified that each section of the album follows an emotional arc. It touches topics such as heartbreak, self-discovery, reconnection with self, and forgiveness. She hopes to connect with her fans and make them feel seen in their own complexities, particularly those who've struggled to express feelings of guilt, shame, or desire. She encourages everyone to recognize that, even when we're not at our best, we remain worthy of love and forgiveness.

Heartbreak, Grief, and Healing

Cynthia Erivo experienced heartbreak on many occasions. She told Jay Shetty that different stages of her life required different methods of healing. In her younger days, friends and music were her shelter. As time passed, she sought conversations and closure when a chapter ended. Erivo highly values open and honest communication. To her, even if the other person is not open to discussions, it helps her imagine the conversation in her mind or she journals about it, to help release the emotional weight and have closure.

Erivo observed that unprocessed heartbreak can quickly turn into resentment. She believes that the heartbreak itself is a powerful feeling that makes us feel alive and capable of love. However, suppressing this emotion may turn it into something toxic. So, she encourages the listeners going through a heartbreak to express it through any means available to them, such as words, music, or movement, so that they can eventually feel whole again.

Sometimes, hurting someone is inevitable, yet necessary for growth. Ending a relationship that no longer benefits those involved can pave the way for transformation for both parties. In this context, pain can serve as a catalyst. When we openly acknowledge our need for something different, we give both people a chance to pursue what is truly right for them.

Validation, Connection, and the Real Reward

Erivo's song Replay touches on themes of overachievement, exhaustion and the hunger for validation. She reiterated that a large part of her life was spent seeking external validation following her father's estrangement. The song reflects that part of her journey, marked by moments of seeking external approval. Cynthia Erivo shared with Jay Shetty her realization that no amount of applause can ever replace her inner self-worth; validation must come from within.

Moreover, Erivo believes that the most fulfilling form of validation comes from witnessing others impacted by her work. When someone feels understood through her lyrics or when her music touches and changes someone's mood, she feels like she has achieved her goal. Now, she seeks depth, resonance and closeness.

Seeing the Person, Not Just the Performer

Cynthia Erivo shared with Jay Shetty how her character in Wicked impacted many viewers, especially women who felt different. She mentioned fans with alopecia and cancer who felt empowered to embrace their natural look after watching her on screen. In the arist's opinion, this is the kind of representation that truly matters.

Being in the limelight is no easy task, and it comes with a lot of responsibilities. Erivo admits that it may feel overwhelming at times, but she is grateful for the opportunity to show up as herself. She made the conscious choice to drop the masks and put on a public persona, and now shows up entirely as her true self. She didn't do it as a tactic, but simply as a reflection of reality.More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode “Cynthia Erivo: ‘I Was Working To Prove That I Was Worth Loving’ (How to Finally Let Go of the Need For Approval & Build Real Self-Worth)” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.